Anyone who's following the disaster zone that is Tucker Max's life and 'career' knows exactly what I'm talking about when I write things like 'douchebag', 'doucebag', 'TATGuy', 'Viacom guy', and so forth; they're cherished and beloved characters, like the sort you remember from the fairy tales you loved as a child.
Oh, wait- did I say 'cherished and beloved'? I meant 'hated and despised'. You see, for all of the benefits of using the abandoned site http://tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com/, there is one glaring flaw: it's un-moderated- Cockly doesn't remember the log-on credentials, so there's effectively no way for him (or anyone else) to do away with pesky troll comments.
That's where this entry comes in. I'm hoping we can use it as a catch-all discussion forum for all things Tucker, like we've been doing with Cockly's site for the last two years. I can assure you that the more... 'illustrious' trollers won't be able to pull their garbage here.
Please, pass the word. The discussion at the Doucebag-blog is often interesting, funny, etc., it just needs to be troll-free. With this site and your help, it can happen.
EDIT: Please understand, this is not a matter of anyone having 'Fuck You, Banned' powers over the people who post here. It is, rather, a way for us to keep discussions on-point without having the comments devolve into posts about Russian mail-order brides, the evils of Viacom, and random ramblings about the Federal Reserve. No more of that racist nonsense, either.
Showing posts with label douchebag. Show all posts
Showing posts with label douchebag. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Happy New Year*
*especially you Tucker.
Latest Gawker report on Tucker:
http://gawker.com/5124568/your-tucker-max-movie-update
And read through the old Gawker stuff here:
http://gawker.com/tag/Tucker-Max/
It's fucking beautiful how some people tear him apart in the comments.
Sorry I haven't been posting as much, but much like Tucker's fans, I've started to care less and less about him.
Tucker is doing a book signing tour in January: http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=24902
I don't know if any readers here live close to any of these locations (I don't) but I'd love it if one of you went and could tell us how many people really show up to these things. Because I can imagine when Tucker posts he'll be telling us that the crowd to see him at Books A Million in Maryland was 80 deep and some old woman buying the latest Oprah Book Club recommendation got crushed to death.
Going through the most recent blog posts on the movie site has been a bit of fun, especially posts like this and the bizarre lies in it:
It's quite charming that he thinks that causing just over a grands worth of damage to a house he was renting is badass. Also, in the related thread this post made me smile, you know Rudius aren't paying these guys shit, nor will they ever see a dime if IHTSBIH is profitable.
I imagine everyone got a chance to read this as well where Tucker brags about how he and Nils wrote a rap song for Paul Wall to sing. The previous sentence is perhaps the most ominous thing ever written in the English language. You have to read the thread that goes with it too, some guy calls Tucker out on his bullshit, does alright for a bit and then fucks it up by trying to pass off someone else's post as his own. Someone calls him out for plagiarism and he gets banned... but cmon, the guy is a rap producer! It's called sampling!
Btw it's been 3 years since Paul Wall had a hit. Almost the same length of time since Tucker wrote some new material. Is being a douchebag infectious now?
I was sorry to see the passing of tuckermaxdoucebag into the annals of history (hehe. annals.) but I'll happily tip my hat to Cockly McBeefwell and anyone who contributed to the 5000 comments that broke blogspot. So keep visiting this site and talking about Tucker in the comments section, I'll continue to post here with the latest news when I can.
There are now positions open for 2 people who would like to write for this site, just create a Blogger.com account, post in comments and I'll add you to the Authors section and you will be able to make posts.
I'll even put you on a Rudius Media starting salary.
Latest Gawker report on Tucker:
http://gawker.com/5124568/your-tucker-max-movie-update
And read through the old Gawker stuff here:
http://gawker.com/tag/Tucker-Max/
It's fucking beautiful how some people tear him apart in the comments.
Sorry I haven't been posting as much, but much like Tucker's fans, I've started to care less and less about him.
Tucker is doing a book signing tour in January: http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=24902
I don't know if any readers here live close to any of these locations (I don't) but I'd love it if one of you went and could tell us how many people really show up to these things. Because I can imagine when Tucker posts he'll be telling us that the crowd to see him at Books A Million in Maryland was 80 deep and some old woman buying the latest Oprah Book Club recommendation got crushed to death.
Going through the most recent blog posts on the movie site has been a bit of fun, especially posts like this and the bizarre lies in it:
-Suki (the DP) took the movie to the colorist last week; he is the guy who makes sure all the colors are balanced correctly and look right in the final product. This guy has seen probably 10,000 movies in his life. He watches movies all day. It's literally his job. Well, he couldn't do his job on our movie. Why? He was laughing too hard. He was literally in such fits of laughter, he couldn't concentrate or focus, so he gave up trying to pay attention to his job and just watched it all the way through, as a fan.Really?! WELL FUCK ME WITH A AIDS-INFECTED WRENCH! Get this guys and girls, this movie is SO funny, so potent in hilarity that people who work on it are laughing too hard they are UNABLE to do their jobs right.
It's quite charming that he thinks that causing just over a grands worth of damage to a house he was renting is badass. Also, in the related thread this post made me smile, you know Rudius aren't paying these guys shit, nor will they ever see a dime if IHTSBIH is profitable.
"Oh I completely agree, not to kiss ass but I can't think of many better companies to work for than Rudius. But then again, I've only worked shitty manual labor jobs, so anything seems preferable to that."lol.
I imagine everyone got a chance to read this as well where Tucker brags about how he and Nils wrote a rap song for Paul Wall to sing. The previous sentence is perhaps the most ominous thing ever written in the English language. You have to read the thread that goes with it too, some guy calls Tucker out on his bullshit, does alright for a bit and then fucks it up by trying to pass off someone else's post as his own. Someone calls him out for plagiarism and he gets banned... but cmon, the guy is a rap producer! It's called sampling!
Btw it's been 3 years since Paul Wall had a hit. Almost the same length of time since Tucker wrote some new material. Is being a douchebag infectious now?
I was sorry to see the passing of tuckermaxdoucebag into the annals of history (hehe. annals.) but I'll happily tip my hat to Cockly McBeefwell and anyone who contributed to the 5000 comments that broke blogspot. So keep visiting this site and talking about Tucker in the comments section, I'll continue to post here with the latest news when I can.
There are now positions open for 2 people who would like to write for this site, just create a Blogger.com account, post in comments and I'll add you to the Authors section and you will be able to make posts.
I'll even put you on a Rudius Media starting salary.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Is Tucker Max suffering from writer's block?
If this post gets 20 responses, I will burn my copy of IHTSBIH and post pics here. Don't worry, I bought it second-hand so no money went to the author.
Whatever happened to Assholes Finish First? Tucker told people to start pre-ordering it on the 16th November of 2006, slating it for release in fall 2007. Then that got pushed back from fall 2007 to fall 2008. Well look, here we are in fall 2008 and there's no sign of the book.
Now, on one hand I can understand that maybe there is a reason to delay your book by a year, if you want to add some stories or coincide it's release with your movie launch. But the movie isn't even finished yet, and probably won't be out until April or May 2009. At that stage, AFF will have been put back a grand total of 19 months.
Now, that ain't so bad I suppose.. if you genuinely do have a book ready. But the thing is... Tucker hasn't posted an original story this year. Or all of last year. Or since um.. I dunno. August 2006? The Midget Story is the last actual story that Tucker has posted.
That's over 2 years ago!
So what's he done in the meantime?
- well he wrote a screenplay, a screenplay that contains no new original material or jokes. Wait, sorry, he CO-wrote the screenplay. He couldn't even annotate his own novel into a screenplay without help.
- he pretty much got himself blacklisted at Comedy Central. "I canceled the TV deal with Sony/Comedy Central. There will be no Tucker Max TV show in the near future." Oh Tucker... back when I was a sycophantic fan even I balked at that line, you fooled nobody.
- he wrote the Afterword to Paul Wall's autobiography. Now, I'm no Ernest Hemingway.. but don't you usually write the book first, and then the Afterword. Maybe Tucker is planning to revolutionise the delivery of literature now. "Fuck linear story-telling, bro! Tarantino everything! Begin with the end of the book!"
- the IHTSBIH movie. Well now here's something at least, he found financing for the film and helped cast it. Apparently he turned down big-name studio after big-name studio, until he settled down with indie misfits Darko and three D-List actors. Two years well spent.
Supposedly, Assholes Finish First is good-to-go whenever the movie is released. I find this so hard to believe when he already said that we'd be reading excerpts of it throughout 2008 as he finely tuned his "art". So far nobody has seen a single story from it - do you know why this is?
Three reasons.
#1 - IHTSBIH was the culmination of about 15 years worth of stories that had been finely exaggerated from their original form. AFF can only contain stories that were written in the period between IHTSBIH's publication and the present. That's a time period of 2 years and 8 months.
#2 - All of Tucker's friends have grown-up and moved on. Jojo doesn't even bother with the messageboard anymore, and Slingblade is a happily married man these days. So now Tucker has to be funny all on his own - no Slingblade supporting character, no drunken twenty-something wingmen, just a 33 year old manchild. You want to know the sad truth? Tucker Max doesn't really have that many friends anymore.
And as such, it's not possible for him to be doing any of the things that made the first book a success.
#3 - People want proof. He's e-famous now. There's people who will say they saw him, and that things did not happen the way he says they did. He can't fudge the details anymore, the guy with the camera can't throw up on the tape anymore, the fat girl doesn't run off in real life once she's gotten her "dose" of insults. And now Tucker must actually record things as they actually happened. And he's finding that hard.
So don't hold your breath for Assholes Finish First to be released at the same time as the movie. And when it is finally released, don't be surprised when you see that most of the stories are from the same period as IHTSBIH (yet somehow they were never written in the first 4 years of the site's life?), it's far easier to retcon the past than write recent stories.
If this post gets 20 responses, I will burn my copy of IHTSBIH and post pics here. Don't worry, I bought it second-hand so no money went to the author.
Whatever happened to Assholes Finish First? Tucker told people to start pre-ordering it on the 16th November of 2006, slating it for release in fall 2007. Then that got pushed back from fall 2007 to fall 2008. Well look, here we are in fall 2008 and there's no sign of the book.Now, on one hand I can understand that maybe there is a reason to delay your book by a year, if you want to add some stories or coincide it's release with your movie launch. But the movie isn't even finished yet, and probably won't be out until April or May 2009. At that stage, AFF will have been put back a grand total of 19 months.
Now, that ain't so bad I suppose.. if you genuinely do have a book ready. But the thing is... Tucker hasn't posted an original story this year. Or all of last year. Or since um.. I dunno. August 2006? The Midget Story is the last actual story that Tucker has posted.
That's over 2 years ago!
So what's he done in the meantime?
- well he wrote a screenplay, a screenplay that contains no new original material or jokes. Wait, sorry, he CO-wrote the screenplay. He couldn't even annotate his own novel into a screenplay without help.
- he pretty much got himself blacklisted at Comedy Central. "I canceled the TV deal with Sony/Comedy Central. There will be no Tucker Max TV show in the near future." Oh Tucker... back when I was a sycophantic fan even I balked at that line, you fooled nobody.
- he wrote the Afterword to Paul Wall's autobiography. Now, I'm no Ernest Hemingway.. but don't you usually write the book first, and then the Afterword. Maybe Tucker is planning to revolutionise the delivery of literature now. "Fuck linear story-telling, bro! Tarantino everything! Begin with the end of the book!"
- the IHTSBIH movie. Well now here's something at least, he found financing for the film and helped cast it. Apparently he turned down big-name studio after big-name studio, until he settled down with indie misfits Darko and three D-List actors. Two years well spent.
Supposedly, Assholes Finish First is good-to-go whenever the movie is released. I find this so hard to believe when he already said that we'd be reading excerpts of it throughout 2008 as he finely tuned his "art". So far nobody has seen a single story from it - do you know why this is?
Three reasons.
#1 - IHTSBIH was the culmination of about 15 years worth of stories that had been finely exaggerated from their original form. AFF can only contain stories that were written in the period between IHTSBIH's publication and the present. That's a time period of 2 years and 8 months.
#2 - All of Tucker's friends have grown-up and moved on. Jojo doesn't even bother with the messageboard anymore, and Slingblade is a happily married man these days. So now Tucker has to be funny all on his own - no Slingblade supporting character, no drunken twenty-something wingmen, just a 33 year old manchild. You want to know the sad truth? Tucker Max doesn't really have that many friends anymore.
And as such, it's not possible for him to be doing any of the things that made the first book a success.
#3 - People want proof. He's e-famous now. There's people who will say they saw him, and that things did not happen the way he says they did. He can't fudge the details anymore, the guy with the camera can't throw up on the tape anymore, the fat girl doesn't run off in real life once she's gotten her "dose" of insults. And now Tucker must actually record things as they actually happened. And he's finding that hard.
So don't hold your breath for Assholes Finish First to be released at the same time as the movie. And when it is finally released, don't be surprised when you see that most of the stories are from the same period as IHTSBIH (yet somehow they were never written in the first 4 years of the site's life?), it's far easier to retcon the past than write recent stories.
If this post gets 20 responses, I will burn my copy of IHTSBIH and post pics here. Don't worry, I bought it second-hand so no money went to the author.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Synopsis of "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell"
Spoilers ahead. Not that you care.
Full script here.
The 3 main characters are:
Tucker - fratty douchebag protagonist
Aaron - anti-social bitter friend (based on SlingBlade from the book)
Jeff - lug-headed groom to be
(note: Aaron's name has been changed to Drew for the film)
The story starts off with Tucker having sex with a deaf girl whose mid-coitus screams are interpretated by neighbours as a rape in progress. Cops are called and, hearing the screams, break in and manhandle Tucker to the ground to "rescue" deaf girl. Tucker says "Don't tase me, bro!". I'm not kidding. Deaf girl gives abuse to the cops and tells them she was about to cum.
At this early stage it's pretty obvious that it's not exactly Citizen Kane.
The next day Tucker meets up with his friends. He tells them about deaf girl and they mention he's already had a mute girl earlier in the year. Now all he needs is a blind girl as "he's 2/3 the way to a Helen Keller". We then get dialogue and scenes which explain what each of them is about. Aaron has just broken up with a long-term girlfriend after walking in on her sucking off local white rapper, "Grillionaire". He is now bitter and disillusioned with all females. Jeff is due to marry his long-term sweet heart in a few days time.
Tucker decides that the 3 of them should go to the infamous Baby Dolls strip club. It's infamous because there's a midget stripper there, although Tucker doesn't let on to the other 2 that this is why they're going.
They lie to Jeff's fiancé and off they go. They get drunk and eat McGriddles, and get drunk some more. Tucker makes fun of people who seem to exist purely to suffer an insult and then fade into the background. They go to the strip club, Aaron pisses off every stripper that comes up to them. Jeff gets drunk some more. Tucker pays a sassy stripper $200 to take Aaron home with her. Jeff gets too drunk and hits a stripper in the face by accident, he gets thrown out of the club and ends up in jail after abusing a cop. Tucker hooks up with a married woman who can't resist his charm. Tucker experiences diarrhoea in a hotel lobby. Tucker fucks a midget called Rainbow Brite. Aaron's heart of bitterness is cracked by playing GI Joe with the son of the sassy stripper. He then has sex with sassy stripper.
The fallout from Jeff's drunk tank jailtime is that Tucker is uninvited from the wedding. Inevitably he decides to show up at the reception anyways, he grabs the mic from the best man and makes a rambling speech talking about how he had sex with a midget and had diarrhoea. Amazingly everyone loves it, *slow clap*, he earns the respect of the newlyweds and the bride's Baptist family. He then unveils a bouncy castle for the kids to play on.
Everyone begins to enjoy themselves and Tucker leans back with his friends as they notice a blind woman being led by a guide dog across the room. Tucker goes after her, his friends roll their eyes like "Oh Tucker!". The End.
Full script here.
The 3 main characters are:
Tucker - fratty douchebag protagonist
Aaron - anti-social bitter friend (based on SlingBlade from the book)
Jeff - lug-headed groom to be
(note: Aaron's name has been changed to Drew for the film)
The story starts off with Tucker having sex with a deaf girl whose mid-coitus screams are interpretated by neighbours as a rape in progress. Cops are called and, hearing the screams, break in and manhandle Tucker to the ground to "rescue" deaf girl. Tucker says "Don't tase me, bro!". I'm not kidding. Deaf girl gives abuse to the cops and tells them she was about to cum.
At this early stage it's pretty obvious that it's not exactly Citizen Kane.
The next day Tucker meets up with his friends. He tells them about deaf girl and they mention he's already had a mute girl earlier in the year. Now all he needs is a blind girl as "he's 2/3 the way to a Helen Keller". We then get dialogue and scenes which explain what each of them is about. Aaron has just broken up with a long-term girlfriend after walking in on her sucking off local white rapper, "Grillionaire". He is now bitter and disillusioned with all females. Jeff is due to marry his long-term sweet heart in a few days time.
Tucker decides that the 3 of them should go to the infamous Baby Dolls strip club. It's infamous because there's a midget stripper there, although Tucker doesn't let on to the other 2 that this is why they're going.
They lie to Jeff's fiancé and off they go. They get drunk and eat McGriddles, and get drunk some more. Tucker makes fun of people who seem to exist purely to suffer an insult and then fade into the background. They go to the strip club, Aaron pisses off every stripper that comes up to them. Jeff gets drunk some more. Tucker pays a sassy stripper $200 to take Aaron home with her. Jeff gets too drunk and hits a stripper in the face by accident, he gets thrown out of the club and ends up in jail after abusing a cop. Tucker hooks up with a married woman who can't resist his charm. Tucker experiences diarrhoea in a hotel lobby. Tucker fucks a midget called Rainbow Brite. Aaron's heart of bitterness is cracked by playing GI Joe with the son of the sassy stripper. He then has sex with sassy stripper.
The fallout from Jeff's drunk tank jailtime is that Tucker is uninvited from the wedding. Inevitably he decides to show up at the reception anyways, he grabs the mic from the best man and makes a rambling speech talking about how he had sex with a midget and had diarrhoea. Amazingly everyone loves it, *slow clap*, he earns the respect of the newlyweds and the bride's Baptist family. He then unveils a bouncy castle for the kids to play on.
Everyone begins to enjoy themselves and Tucker leans back with his friends as they notice a blind woman being led by a guide dog across the room. Tucker goes after her, his friends roll their eyes like "Oh Tucker!". The End.
Download "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" Script
http://rapidshare.com/files/135879102/IHTSBIH.pdf.html
The "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" film script has now been leaked to the internet. It's pretty terrible - but not as bad as Cecilia over at Film Industry Bloggers and the good folks at Gawker would have you believe.
It's still pretty awful though. Nothing close to the comedic revolution that he had promised fans.
Rudius Message Boards went into damage control overdrive as more and more people got a look at how awful the script is. Topics were locked and deleted, and now it has been spun as a "fake script" made purely to drum up interest in the film.
Most Tucker Max fans are at a Downs Syndrome level of retardation... but are they dumb enough to buy that?
Read the script yourself right now, and you should be able to tell pretty quickly if it's so bad that it can't be real - or whether it's so bad, so self-centredly narcissistic and cringey that it could only be real.
The "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" film script has now been leaked to the internet. It's pretty terrible - but not as bad as Cecilia over at Film Industry Bloggers and the good folks at Gawker would have you believe.
It's still pretty awful though. Nothing close to the comedic revolution that he had promised fans.
Rudius Message Boards went into damage control overdrive as more and more people got a look at how awful the script is. Topics were locked and deleted, and now it has been spun as a "fake script" made purely to drum up interest in the film.
Most Tucker Max fans are at a Downs Syndrome level of retardation... but are they dumb enough to buy that?
Read the script yourself right now, and you should be able to tell pretty quickly if it's so bad that it can't be real - or whether it's so bad, so self-centredly narcissistic and cringey that it could only be real.
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