Thursday, October 23, 2008

Man down!

Even though Tucker Max sucks, I think it's only the gentlemanly thing to do to wish him a speedy recovery. Technically, if we're dissing him whilst he's laid up like this... we're abusing a cripple. And that ain't cool guys!

I don't know if you've noticed that Blogspot has changed the comment layout system, so over at tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com it's kind of difficult to access the most recent comments.

This link might work for some of you.

It's all been quiet on the IHTSBIH front, there's been speculation from both sides about the probable success of the film, and all kinds of numbers thrown about

"umm leik.. what if everyone who bought the book brought 3 friends and a mime artist to see the film, that's like 1.5 million people going to see the film OPENING WEEKEND. And if each ticket costs 15 rupees then that means Tucker will wildly overshoot everyone's expectations! So fuck you! You're just jealous of Tucker!!"
It's still so far away that nobody could possibly call whether it'll be a success or not. That's not to say the film will be good, all it has to do is catch a cultural zeitgeist of Spring Break (highly likely to be released during SB) mixed with the gap in the market for raunchy, comedies.

I'm not saying it'll gross $20 million opening weekend, but all of us could be sitting here in 6 months time feeling absolutely disgusted as IHTSBIH makes $6 million opening weekend and experiences a slow drop off.

And then Hollywood embraces Tucker as a revolutionary creative genius. IHTSBIH is praised as a work of staggering genius, Assholes Finish First is released the same day as Chinese Democracy and Duke Nukem Forever to worldwide critical acclaim and midnight bookstore openings where people dress up as Tucker.

And then, Time magazine:
Fuck man, I'm getting goosebumps.. and you know the scary part?



In some parallel universe... this has already happened.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Light, thanks for keeping the hate-fires burning, and for linking to the comments page over on doucebag. Since people are having such a hard time getting in to the new comments, I present here, the long-awaited part seven of the Tucker interview transcript:

---TUCKER MAX INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT PART 7 -----

(The truth had been revealed. Tucker's unseemly father, Dennis, had just finished telling the story of how Tucker - Otto - got his name. In the moments between Otto's protests about our reporter hero's harrowing interviewing the senior Max, and the revelation about Otto's moniker, Otto had vanished.)

Reporter: I don't understand;; he was here just a second ago...

Dennis (via speakerphone): Aww... that's just like my little buckaroo... when he was a boy, we'd tease him sometimes about his name, or his face, or his questionable personal hygiene, and the little bugger would go off and hide somewhere, heh, heh... in the crawlspace under the stairs, maybe, or in the treehouse he'd paid the housekeeper to build for him. Ah, those were the days... you know, come to think of it, he'd do the same thing whenever he'd come home from college, too... and last Thanksgiving, we had to promise him a whole new wardrobe to coax him down from the attic...

Reporter: Uhh.... that's... fairly dysfunctional behavior for a thirty-year-old man, don't you think?

Dennis: Oh, you know how the young people are these days... I try not to discourage my little Maxi-man; after all, he IS an artist, and you know how temperamental artists can be...

Reporter: Uh-huh... tell me, what exactly IS your son's 'art?'

Dennis: Oh, you know... erm, he has a thing, you know... like a web-page or whatever... and I book, I guess, I don't know, I try not to meddle - listen, I'm going to have to let you go. The mayor of Boca Raton JUST got a table, and if I don't go press the flesh... well, you know how it goes! Tell my boy I love him, and that his new Beamer'll be all shined up and waiting for him when he comes home for Christmas! Ciao!

(Dennis hangs up)

Reporter: Hmmm.... I wonder where Tucker scurried off to?.... (calling into the kitchen) Nils! Nils, have you seen Tucker?!

(Nils is on the horns of a dilemma. With one hand stuck in a Pringles can, and the other wrist-deep in a tub of pure Crisco, he can't quite figure out how he's going to turn the T-bone steak he's frying.)

Nils: I'm sorry, what? I'm a little distracted over here...

Reporter: I can see that. Why don't you just pull your hand out of that tub of shortening, turn the steak, and then you can get back to... wait a minute... are you... are you greasing yourself up?!

Nils: Uh... yeah... after I eat my second dinner, I'm supposed to go to the Olive Garden with some people from Darko, and I don't want to get stuck in the booth again.

Reporter: Uh-huh... and the Pringles? Why don't you let go long enough to-

Nils: LET GO!? Are you INSANE? If I pull my hand out of this can, a microscopic amount of the fat from the chips will dry up... you think I'm going to let that happen? That fat is what keeps me alive, dammit!

Reporter: Wow... I mean... uh, anyhow, look, I can't find Tucker. He's not in the apartment anywhere. Do you know where he might have gone?

Nils: Hmmm.... well, normally, when he gets upset, he goes down the doughnut to that bar on the corner.

Reporter: Uh... did you just say 'he goes down to the DOUGHNUT?'

Nil: Huh? Did I? Oh, that must have been a Freudian slip. I haven't eaten anything since before I began speaking this sentence; I'm famished... but I'm sure you can entire-side-of-beef what I'm talking about.

Reporter: Right.... okay, I'm going to give the apartment one last look, then I'll go check out the bar...

Nils: Okay, man! Falafel!

Reporter: Uh... yeah... right back at ya...

(Our fearless journalist sticks his head into Bunny's room. She is darting from one side of the room to the other, apparently watching something moving around under the bed.)

Reporter: Uh... hey, Bunny... I need to go find Tucker. Is everything all right in here?

Bunny: Ohhh, yeush, ervything's juzt grr... I finished off thut botttle of whiskey, and I accudentallalaly turnded my vibrator on.... and it's *hic* escapeded... damn thang's a mind of it'z ownn... *THUD* (Bunny passes out and hits the floor with a deafening... well, thud. Just like you read.)

Reporter: Oh, man... this place is loonier than the Arkham Asylum...

(As our brave stenographer makes his way toward the door, he notices something he hadn't seen before. One of the apartment walls isn't a wall at all... he steps closer to observe that it's made completely out of books, stacked one on top of another, like the fort a child builds on a rainy day. He notices a small doorway and, figuring things can't get any weirder, peeks inside.)

Ryan: Who... who's there? Is that you, Violent Acres? I'll tell everyone your name!

Reporter: Uh... no, it's not Violent Acres... say, this little fort is kind of neat. Did you build this whole thing yourself?

Ryan (Rocking back and forth in one corner of the small structure): Yeah... built it myself... out of all the books I've read... I read a lot of books, you know... you wanna know how many books I've read? You want I should tell you how to read a book? You need highlighters... definitely some highlighters... gotta have post-its to line the pages with...

Reporter: Um... okay, I'm gonna go now... but, uh... yeah, good luck with... um, reading...

Ryan: Yeah... reading lots of books... definitely gonna change Hollywood... definitely gonna be the new media... yeah... definitely Robert Greene...

(Will our swashbuckling newsperson FINALLY discover the whereabouts of the newly-remonikered Otto Max?)

STAY TUNED!

----END OF PART SEVEN----

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness there's a back up blog! Quick, TAT, Taint, Otto, we're over here!

Anonymous said...

Light, thanks for putting a link up to the old comment page. Cockly McBeefwell must be spinning in his e-grave.

And even more thanks for luring part seven of the Tucker interview out into the open. Interview guy, someone needs to give YOU a publishing contract. You're twenty times the humorist that Otto pretends to be.

"It's easy to expose someone when they're a lying sack of shit."

Cloud Starchaser said...

If anyone wants to post anti-Tucker Max comments in the absence of old blogs, you can always do so on my blog too which you can reach via my blogger profile, tut tut. The old blog has been destroyed, a stunning defeat for Anti-Tucker Max forces.

Cloud Starchaser said...

Tucker Max's new girlfriend the nurse Erin obviously has fake breasts I should point out.

Cloud Starchaser said...

Also, this guy reminds me of Biff from Back to the Future so what we need to do is always dump manure on him.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, she does, it's not even a good boob job anyways, they look like the totally just bolted on kind.

Cloud Starchaser said...

^^
I did not mean to say that as an insult about his girlfriend I was just observing a fact in a non-judgmental fashion. I do not think it is a bad boob job personally, it is not polite to criticize a girl's appearance to the guy above me.

Anonymous said...

The stupid bitch in Pittsburgh who scratched a backwards B on her face and blamed it on a non-existent black mugger who was angry at her McCain sticker has a MySpace profile.

http://74.125.45.104/search?q=cache:dNPAoAhExjwJ:profile.myspace.com/index.cfm%3Ffuseaction%3Duser.viewprofile%26friendID%3D8513159+www.myspace.com/rabbitrocker&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us&client=firefox-a

Tucker is one of her top friends.

Tucker Max fans: rapists, racists, and liars.

Just like Otto himself!

Anonymous said...

hahahaha!!! light, you have to update your blog after tucker's recent update. after reading the first half i thought it was a suicide note. this movie is going to fail miserably. the problem is that this movie won't get wide distribution so we can't see it fail in theaters all across america and get laughed at.

G_Man said...

Link to his newest post

The damage control and rationalizations going on in Tucker's mind will continue to be a fascinating story to watch. I've become completely mesmerized studying Tucker Max, as he is the prototypical example of a self-delusional and arrogant egomaniac. And know his image of himself is unquestioningly and objectively falling apart.

Anonymous said...

Let me preface this by saying that I don't hate Tucker Max. Whether it be his true self, online persona or a warped combination of the two. I never cared enough about who he was/is/going to be to generate emotion or give a shit as to whether or not his stories were bullshit or true. They made me laugh and that was enough in the moment that I read them.

His messageboard on the other hand was a different story. I used to read all the self deprecating posts and they filled me with a joy unknown to me before then. The pretty wrappings of my life, the face I felt I had to potray to society was slowly stripped away.

I could be truthful. I could be bare bone honest about my faults or feelings and know I was in like company. My initial fear of posting was soon replaced with an overwelming sense of gratitude. I was cleansing my soul with each tale of my life. Things I've done, said, or thought were posted to strangers that might judge, but were truthful enough to know that deep down, I was no worse or better than who they believed themselves to be. Everyone got the joke, that "we"(collectively) were the joke.

Somewhere that all changed.I left the board for a bit and when I came back everything was different. The newest board lived and breathed by rep points. The humor, the fake hubris was gone.People began to take themselves way too seriously and it saddened me and made me feel berefit in a way I could never explain before now.

I miss the honesty that I used to get and give through each post. Tucker's biggest mistake was not realizing his initial and albeit greater audience was the one that related to his fallacies and not those that put him on a pedastal above them.

Anonymous said...

YOU WILL ONLY BE HALF THE MAN TUCKER MAX IS. ITS PATHETIC THAT YOU HAVE MADE A SITE JUST TO RIP HIM APART. ARE YOU JELOUS YOU CANT GET THE GIRLS OR SUCCESS THAT HE DOES OR DO YOU GUYS JUST HATE YOUR LIVES THAT MUCH THAT YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BRING ANOTHER PERSONS DOWN. WELL GEUSS WHAT YOU WONT BRING TUCKER MAX DOWN CAUSE HE IS ON TOP OF THE WORLD WHICH IS SOMEWHERE NONE OF YOU SICK PATHETIC LOSERS WILL BE. STOP WRITING SHIT ABOUT HIM AND MAKING A SITE TO DISS HIM AND GO GET A REAL LIFE.

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