Sunday, August 24, 2008


This is the RMMB's very own Sillylittlefreak (aka Jon Tando) (now deleted. presumably out of shame) (His "company") (Digg user... submitted a Tucker story that got a MASSIVE 7 diggs) (Subscribers.... 1) (Hasn't been used since 2004)

Read this:
"I'm priced out of their range...Their words, not mine. My rep asked them for $120k a year. I think they're offering in the $80-90k range."

Sillylittlefreak is 37 years old and currently unemployed.


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The A-Z of Rudius, part 2

You can find the first part here, it covers A-G

H is for HotWheelz

Do you ever see those videos of politicians kissing babies and hugging old women in the street during the run-up to an election? That’s what I think of everytime I see Tucker talk about HotWheelz. Let me jump back to the start.

HotWheelz is a cripple, he suffers from muscular dystrophy and has been confined to a wheelchair most of his life. He created a memorable thread called “Ask A Cripple” where posters were invited to ask him anything. His upbeat attitude and witty responses elicited a positive response, and eventually the fact that he’s a virgin was spun into another Rudius website.

It’s the 15th most “popular” Rudius site, although it isn’t listed on the Rudius Media page which I guess means that the only difference between HotWheelz and other Rudius writers is that he doesn’t get paid. Rudius writers get paid... don’t they?

I’m getting sidetracked, on with the post:

Hotwheelz is a tool.

Not in the sense that he’s an idiot, he actually seems quite pleasant for someone who has a tube in their neck. But he’s a tool in that he is used as one by Tucker to counter-balance the “asshole” image. The “asshole” image must stand carefully between the full-blown faggoty-ass “I’m not paying you. And you’re fired.” asshole (which is what Tucker is) and the “Oh my Gawd, I can’t believe you said that to my friend! You are *such* an asshole – can I have your number?” cool guy asshole.

Giving HotWheelz his own site, and a small cameo in the movie is Tucker doing his own PR. “Hey guys! Don’t rag on him, he may be a cripple… but he’s cool with me.” How could Tucker possibly be a raging douchebag if he’s friends with a cripple? He’s clearly not an asshole at all, and inside there is a tender heart of goodness.

I is for Idiot Board

The Idiot Board may be the only message board on the entire web that requires you to make an “audition” topic, which may or may not get moved to the board where retards can actually start posting on it.

Let me just clarify this, your topic must compete in a mini American Idol competition before it can become an actual topic.

A glance at the first page shows topics where the last post is 5 days old. Week old topics remain on the front page of the message boards – whilst others never get to see the light of day. Far be it from me to suggest an improvement to the message boards, but really? This is your preferred way of running the main board?

Right now I can see that there are 300 people viewing the Board, yet only 9 topics there have had new messages posted in them today? What does this tell us? That most people would rather not post, than put up with shitty Nazi posting rules.

J is for Jarhead

If you were to choose one group of people to pander to, to have your back, to use as defense whenever you need one the military would be it.

I could sit here and type about how joining the military is dumb. About how dying for rich white men in suits in a foreign desert is dumb. About how naivety and a misplaced notion of patriotism will get you into a war you didn’t have to fight. That dying for your country in this day and age is fucking stupid.

Horrible isn’t it? To attack people who are putting their life on the line for you and your country.

Now if I were a best-selling author. I’d probably try and ally myself with this group, a little bullshit charity here, a phony diary by a made-up soldier here (torn apart by actual real-life soldiers here), post stories about how they like to read my book in their base camps and fanatically idolize them on my message boards.

Get a few on the boards and give them their own private board to discuss military matters. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole jingo-ish message board army at your disposal. If you’re not with us, you’re against us.

And from there? Just look at it like this: there’s a LOT of soldiers, and there’s nothing soldiers love more than to drink, fuck and tell stories – that means a lot of books to sell. Soldiers aren’t going to question the stories, they don’t get paid for their investigative minds. Why not manipulate them for your own image? Halliburton shouldn't be the only one profiting from the Iraq War.

K is for Knowledge

Knowledge, and its control, are the lifeblood of Tucker Max. Any dissent on the message boards is immediately stamped out, no matter how prevalent the point. If, like me, you’ve ever posted anything negative you’ll be familiar with these stages:
  1. Postive rep “I’m glad someone had the balls to say it”
  2. Selective quoting by a sycophantic moderator. They’ll build up an argument that you didn’t even mention and then tear it down, thus proving you wrong.
  3. Your post is deleted. Maybe it leaves a “This post was deleted” space, but it’s usually less suspicious to just make the post disappear entirely.
  4. And then maybe you get a suspension too.
By controlling information on the message board it becomes increasingly easy to shape your image, and by “punishing” anyone who isn’t towing the party line you can stifle out the truth.

L is for Lies

Would you believe I spent like 5 minutes trying to think of an “L” before I thought of “lies”? I am dumb.

I could go on about Tucker’s lies until the Internet becomes obsolete, but let’s just look at one for now. The fake Amazon reviews.

It is so easy to fake an Amazon review. Look back at the “Tucker Max charity auction debacle” where he talks about making multiple accounts on “” to create the false idea that certain companies were paying summer associates more than the average, thus heightening the average.

Is Tucker above writing fake Amazon reviews of his own book? If you’re answering “Yes” to that question then please unplug your computer and stick a fork in the socket.
If you're not going to believe it from me, then take it from one of the board's own mods, speaking anonymously:

Those rumors about Tucker having his mods (and selected others) go to to give fake reviews of his book in an effort to drive up sales, IT'S FUCKING TRUE. I saw it firsthand, I wrote two of those fucking reviews on TUCKER'S REQUEST. It's fucking true, and I wish I kept the PM he sent me to let me know he not only liked the review, but wanted me to go back for seconds.

And he’s willing to lie to sell a copy of his book, then surely he’s willing to lie in the book, to your face, on his message board and to his employees.

M is for Macho-Centric

When you go into work tomorrow I’d like you to sneak up behind a co-worker you don’t like that much, and choke them until they lose consciousness.

When you’re being escorted out of the building by police, take a second to wonder why doing this in the real world was wrong, yet doing this on the set of a multi-million dollar movie, whilst a producer films you doing it, is FUCKING AWESOME.

I’ll never understand why causing physical harm to another person is considered manly, but making a stand by quitting a film due to bullying is considered shameful, cowardly and indicative of a lack of character.

For idiots on the RMMB, the choke-video was considered both hilarious and life-affirming. I find it a bit disturbing that someone could do that over words said on a message board, and come out looking like a hero.

I guess there must be something wrong with me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Define “idiocy”

A bunch of morons attacking a website for posting unverifiable stories, in defense of a guy who makes his living from writing unverifiable stories.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tucker Max Damage Control

You know what? I'd prefer to post here like maybe just twice a week. But sometimes something so hilarious comes along that I just have to acknowledge it.

Today Tucker Max responded to the Gawker articles and the BCWoods story.

"First off, BC Woods knows exactly why he was fired, and his recitation of the "facts" are laughable. He has chosen to construct a different reality in his mind so he doesn't have to face what actually happened. I haven't written about it because, ironically enough, I am trying to be the good guy. If I printed the full story of what an idiotic doofus that kid is, if I had Ben and Bart and Nils and Donika write up their takes on him and what happened, believe me, no one would be on his side. But I haven't done that because what's the point? How does it benefit me to shit all over some loser? That's a no win situation for me--if I systematically explain what happened, I look weak by wasting time on a no one and people wonder why I am even talking about it. Granted, if I don't, people may accept his version of the story, but considering that no one other than nosey dipshits like you care about some blogger who can't get any traffic, I'll take the latter situation.

Second, Gawker's hate storm has NOTHING to do with anything other than the fact that this is what they do. Gawker is not looking for facts, they are not looking for an explanation of what happened--they don't care about that, they aren't a news service or reporters. They are simply printing anything they can find that they perceive as negative towards me, regardless of how much truth there is in it. They are a snark and slander rag that exists for no other reason than to generate page views, and they do that by stirring up controversy, even where none really exists. That's what they do. They aren't treating me any differently than they treat pretty much anyone. If you had read anything else on Gawker, you'd know this. "

If I had a printer attached to my laptop I'd print this out and then rub it on myself, it is so good. I've only got like 5-10 minutes so let's just do the main points about why this is bullshit.

  • In typical Tucker Max fashion they discredit BCWoods as a person rather than address the fact that he was paid $82 for 6 months work.
  • Tucker claims that "Ben and Bart and Nils and Donika" all feel the same way, that his stories were fake and that he wasn't a good writer. Really Tucker? You're own sycophant employees back you up? You must be telling the truth I guess..
  • Then comes the powerplay where he explains that his time is so valuable that it would be a waste to explain why BCWoods left. Really? The second most popular Rudius site after his own and he didn't have time to tell the fans what happened. This bit drips of ignorance.
  • In less than 50 minutes there are two posts from Rudius blogfags giving us the inside scoop talking about how they never liked BCWoods and how his stuff was fake. Posts like these are CLEARLY coordinated in order to sway a thread a certain way - in this one it's to discredit BCWoods.
  • The funny thing is BCWoods didn't hold a proper grudge at all to Rudius - he waited almost a fucking year before he quietly, and respectfully, posted about the reasons he left.
  • There's no explanation about the email Tucker sent him either - I guess it's hard to defend a direct quote that clearly exhibits what an asswipe you really are.
  • As for the Gawker stuff, they have BCWoods email, they have the post TheBunny did, but according to Tucker "Gawker is not looking for facts... (they're) printing anything they can find". Dumbass, they have evidence! Right now I can go on Gawker and you're on the front page where they link to a story where you add a person who kills Mexicans to your Hall of Fame.
People are abandoning Rudius like it's the fucking Titanic, Tucker can argue all he wants that bad publicity is publicity nonetheless, but Gawker fans aren't going to see his movie - it's only his own fans who are slowly getting their eyes opened.

Man, I fucking love Gawker.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The A-Z of Rudius, part 1

Rudius Media Message Boards (RMMB) - If you're like me you're a little addicted to these message boards, I can't help but visit them regularly. It makes me feel so good to watch people who fancy themselves as smart be completely taken in by Tucker and the other Rudius idiots. It's like Scientology. As such, I've decided to make this little piece to celebrate the car crash awfulness of the message boards (in particular The Idiot Board, The IHTSBIH Board, and Ask Tucker For Advice)

By the way, the message boards used to actually be kinda alright - but those days are long gone. And much of the A-Z will explain why. Onward..

A is for Asshole
An asshole is what you must be if you want to earn the precious validation points on the RMMB. Like the orifice, assholes come in all different shapes and sizes - but when you're on the Rudius Message Boards it is important that your assholery imitate that of Tucker.
Any woman that didn't hook up with you was a fat bitch anyways. Any beer that isn't the one that you're drinking is really just piss, and only drank by losers. You and the other bros have never lost a fight. Made out with her? Man, I fucked her 'til she whistled like a teapot! I live a crazy life just like Tucker!

B is for BCWoods
BCWoods (real name Brandon Woods) was one of posters who wasn't an asshole, and is the only person ever on the RMMB who I would buy a bottle of beer for without having the intent of smashing it over their head. BCWoods' stories were unabashed tales of a bizarre dysfunctional childhood. Tucker managed to spin BCWoods popularity into glory and money for himself, as he gave BCWoods a blogger spot in the Rudius network, - which quickly became the second most popular site in the Rudius network. For 6 months of blogging Brandon Woods received the grand total of $82. When he politely questioned Tucker about this he received this elegant response:

Excuse me? Did you write the email below, or am I seeing things? Is this a joke?

Have you let the very small amount of fame—that I am almost entirely
responsible for—really go that much to your fucking head that you
think you can talk to me that way?

If you don't like our arrangement, if you don't like that fact that I
found you as a complete nobody doing nothing and have given you the
opportunity to reach the world, then you can go back to where you were
when I found you.

In fact, thats a good idea. You go ahead and go your own way. Let's
see how you do when you don't have anyone to blame but yourself.

Don't read any further. Go back and read that shit again. How fucking pathetic is Tucker Max?

BCWoods chose to leave quietly. Any messages questioning his absence and the sudden death of were quickly deleted.

Brandon still writes today. And it's still pretty good.

Tucker Max makes a reasonable amount of money from the Rudius ads, but when it comes to sharing it out with the people that generated it he seems to come up a bit short, I wonder why?

No wait, I don't, it's because he's a complete faggot.

C is for Cunt
This is what Jamie Tarses, legendary TV consultant and one of the most powerful women in Hollywood is. Well, at least according to Tucker Max. She was the woman who would've greenlit and helped produce Tucker's much (self)publicized Comedy Central show. This is the woman that developed Friends. She knows her fucking shit.

When she told Tucker how she thought the show should be done (i.e. with professional script-writers) he called her a "dumb cunt". From that moment onward the chances of Tucker Max appearing on television in anything other than a Rogaine advert became very slim.

All talk of the Comedy Central pilot was pulled from Rudius, and then Tucker had to go the awkward route of writing a (shitty) screenplay, getting rejected by every major film studio and finally scraping a deal with indie newcomers Darko to get it produced.

D is for Douchebag
This is what everyone on the RMMB isn't. Curiously the effect of being a massive asshole in the imitation of Tucker makes you less of a douchebag. The "d-bomb" is reserved exclusively for Anthony DiMeo, John Fitzgerald Page and the likes.

I mean, to the rational thinking person, an asshole and a douchebag are pretty much the same person - but in the world of RMMB an asshole is fucking awesome, and a douchebag is an uptight delusional fuck who desperately needs a Wahoo (see 'W'.. coming soon).

E is for Erin Tyler
(You might know her better by the nickname TheBunny.) You know the phrase "behind every good man, there's a great woman"? For this instance think of it as "behind every lying douchebag, there's a stupid bitch supporting him" - Erin Tyler is that stupid bitch.
She's the on-off girlfriend of Tucker, web tech designer of every new Rudius site, and the editor of his work. She does all of this for free. Because someday Tucker is going to be real famous, as opposed to fading-internet-celebrity famous. And then he's just bound to marry her.

Let me tell you a story. When I was just a young kid I dropped my Gameboy on the ground and, even though it didn't smash, it had stopped working. The battery light would come on but the screen was blank. I asked my Dad and he said that even though it looked alright, it was broken on the inside. Erin Tyler is that Gameboy.

Nah, I'm just kidding - I never broke my Gameboy, I just wanted to personify Erin as one. Using metaphors makes it easier to objectify women, am I right bro? *Internet Five*

Erin Tyler is the kind of woman that sees an asshole and wants to change him. No matter what. Read both of these examples for evidence: 1 - 2

F is for Faggotry
This is number one activity of the RMMB. As faggotry maintains its steady increase, Alexa ranking maintains its steady decrease. It's a beautiful yin-yang. This entry should encompass all the dirty dealings of the RMMB, the fake book reviews on Amazon, the threads full of lame-ass joke answers on the Advice board, the posters who jump to Tucker's defense when anyone questions anything, the validation system, the threads filled with personal posts between moderators who know each other in real life, I feel I could go on forever.

The number one cause of this faggotry begins with the letter 'g'..

G is for Groupthink
Groupthink is a word inspired by George Orwell's 1984, and it is used to describe how a bunch of people will all say the same thing and be in agreement with one another, even though it is not their own opinion. It's a more technical term for being a spineless idiot who follows blindly. It's quite appropriate that an 1984-inspired word should so accurately describe the RMMB, but I guess it's fitting since it is so similarly run to a dystopian one-almighty-ruler society.

Constant moderation ensures that anyone thinking negative thoughts will be effectively silenced. People are rewarded with validation points for making sure they've spelt "vapid" right and properly spaced out their post about the time they fucked that crazy chick. Even more validation points if you remember to leave out the bit where you cried yourself to sleep after she left whilst you were flushing the condom.

By far my favourite example of this is the nirvanaslave5000 thread where he bought a dildo for his co-worker. His post explaining the whole thing features an MS Paint drawing and little punctuation. It is hilarious. However, brainwashed TuckerFags immediately started to harass him and pull his personal details to harass him and make fun of him. Enter Tucker Max, who states he quite enjoyed the post, and watch opinion change like a fucking light switch. Spineless spineless creatures... (Feel free to read the rest of the thread, it gets quite hilarious and pathetic, the only real winner is nirvanaslave5000)

Groupthink ensures that the RMMB is a dumb place, and it's a sad reflection on humanity that people will go out of their way to prove themselves to a bunch of faceless douchebags that they'll never meet.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

5 Reasons Why The IHTSBIH Script Sucks

1. No idea how to write a screenplay.

It's arguable over whether Tucker Max is a good writer or not, he is however successful - and for many people that alone is their measure of how good he is. Reading through the final script there is a strong sense that he, and Nils Parker, do not know how to write a screenplay. There are witty asides within the script that cannot be replicated on screen. For example

"The group laughs as we ANGLE on Jeff, 24, a thick-necked, ex-high school athlete that no one has ever accused of being a nerd"

That's just dumb.

On top of that, whilst it reads well - just like one of Tucker's stories, there are so many lines that can't be delivered because they could only be funny as they exist when written down. Tucker Max doesn't know how to write genuine dialogue because he's so used to writing it in a way so that a story will read well.

The dialogue between Tucker and his two friends clunks back and forth as though it was formulated by a 15 year old. Jeff refuses to go to the strip club because he has wedding arrangements that he must make, but after one sentence of "It'll be the greatest ever!!" from Tucker, he's suddenly convinced and just as motivated to go.

Many characters' dialogue doesn't match their motivations. It's disjointed as hell.

2. Too many clichéd/hypocritical moments

So many of the jokes are lame and cliched. There's the lowly janitor at the diarrhoea hotel who (according to the script) HAS to be a Mexican. There's the scene where Tucker makes fun of a fratty college guy in a bar and chides him by saying "I bet you even have one of those stupid frat rat names, like Chance or Reed."

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? A guy called TUCKER is ragging on someone for having a stupid WASPy fratty name? Fuck outta here..

There's the scene where Tucker takes the mic at the wedding reception from a bumbling best man in order to deliver his redemption speech.

The scene where Aaron plays with the child of a stripper, and the child helps melt his hateful heart.

The bride-to-be's parents are staunch Baptists whilst their daughter is loose and carefree. She's totally cool with Jeff heading off to a strip club, she just wishes that she could come too - isn't that RAD?

Plus, there's the obligatory guest appearances of the fart joke, the shit joke, and of course a starring role for the big beefy friend that will beat up anyone that comes back at Tucker for being a dickhead.

3. Poor characterization

It seems like every character in the film exists purely to be a strawman for Tucker or Aaron to tear down verbally. A character enters scene, receives a verbal beatdown, and exits stage right without coming back. This stems purely from the poor screenplay writing I mentioned earlier but it hurts the quality of the script so badly.

In so many scenes, women exist only to receive a joke at their expense to which they either leave in disgust or stutter a poor rebuttal.

However, it is the main three characters who are the worst victims of the poor characterization. Having actually been Tucker for thirty-something odd years surely he would have able to write himself with more qualities than the singular overbearing, raging dickhead element.

4. Narcissism.

One of the most famous qualities that Tucker Max aspires to is out-and-out narcissism. In real-life, people like this are a fucking pain - but on film, it's captivating. Take, for example, the character of Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. He's probably one of the most recognisable anti-hero figures in Hollywood history purely because he totally and utterly believes in his own hype. He glides through every scene on a wave of his own self-confidence. As a result, he drinks alot (which makes him even more confident), is a bit of a cad with the ladies and is incredibly witty. The Tucker Max character clearly aspires to his level of narcissism.

Unfortunately the script is written with this purely in mind, everything the Tucker character does must be as awesome as scientifically possible and as such each scene is written to force this point home. In PotC, Jack Sparrow actually seems to exist as he is, in the world, and his reactions to everything are the reactions of someone who is a narcissist. In IHTSBIH, the whole world seems to exist purely to revolve around Tucker, to set things up so he can knock them down, to prove that he is a narcissist.

You might disagree here, you might argue that Jack Sparrow was written the same way. But in PotC his character had redeeming features, he believed in his own self so much that he grew to become an attractive anti-hero - here, in Tucker Max, we have a character with no redeeming features at all who must have his own redemption tacked on at the end, almost as an after-thought. His character has no drive, no attraction, there's no reason his friends would want to be friends with him, there's no self-growth story arc, he finishes the movie the same way he started it - a dull two-dimensional character.

5. Painfully generic

It is really nothing that you haven't already seen before. You've seen this film done as Bachelor Party, Old School, American Pie (the ones that went straight to DVD that is) and Road Trip. The only difference is that it's not really that funny. It's a mish-mash of events that happened in the IHTSBIH book, stuff that happened after the book, and an entire scene based around a piece of prose that Slingblade/Aaron wrote about the McGriddle on the Tucker Max Message Boards. If you are a Tucker fan, you have heard EVERY single joke in this movie - it's clear that Tucker had a massive amount of writers block, probably the reason we've yet to see Assholes Finish First in stores.

Almost all of the few funny scenes are quotes that originated from the Slingblade character - i.e. stuff that Tucker didn't come up with. The McGriddle dialogue, one notable scene of snappy dialogue with the sassy stripper, one or two other lines scattered here and there.

This is a movie that all the fanboys think will "revolutionize the genre" - the cast and director are going to have to pull out a miracle to turn it around, as the script is so stale, the characters so bad, and the dialogue so fucking shit - that it will amaze me if it gets a theatrical release.

Synopsis of "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell"

Spoilers ahead. Not that you care.

Full script here.

The 3 main characters are:
Tucker - fratty douchebag protagonist
Aaron - anti-social bitter friend (based on SlingBlade from the book)
Jeff - lug-headed groom to be

(note: Aaron's name has been changed to Drew for the film)

The story starts off with Tucker having sex with a deaf girl whose mid-coitus screams are interpretated by neighbours as a rape in progress. Cops are called and, hearing the screams, break in and manhandle Tucker to the ground to "rescue" deaf girl. Tucker says "Don't tase me, bro!". I'm not kidding. Deaf girl gives abuse to the cops and tells them she was about to cum.

At this early stage it's pretty obvious that it's not exactly Citizen Kane.

The next day Tucker meets up with his friends. He tells them about deaf girl and they mention he's already had a mute girl earlier in the year. Now all he needs is a blind girl as "he's 2/3 the way to a Helen Keller". We then get dialogue and scenes which explain what each of them is about. Aaron has just broken up with a long-term girlfriend after walking in on her sucking off local white rapper, "Grillionaire". He is now bitter and disillusioned with all females. Jeff is due to marry his long-term sweet heart in a few days time.
Tucker decides that the 3 of them should go to the infamous Baby Dolls strip club. It's infamous because there's a midget stripper there, although Tucker doesn't let on to the other 2 that this is why they're going.

They lie to Jeff's fiancé and off they go. They get drunk and eat McGriddles, and get drunk some more. Tucker makes fun of people who seem to exist purely to suffer an insult and then fade into the background. They go to the strip club, Aaron pisses off every stripper that comes up to them. Jeff gets drunk some more. Tucker pays a sassy stripper $200 to take Aaron home with her. Jeff gets too drunk and hits a stripper in the face by accident, he gets thrown out of the club and ends up in jail after abusing a cop. Tucker hooks up with a married woman who can't resist his charm. Tucker experiences diarrhoea in a hotel lobby. Tucker fucks a midget called Rainbow Brite. Aaron's heart of bitterness is cracked by playing GI Joe with the son of the sassy stripper. He then has sex with sassy stripper.

The fallout from Jeff's drunk tank jailtime is that Tucker is uninvited from the wedding. Inevitably he decides to show up at the reception anyways, he grabs the mic from the best man and makes a rambling speech talking about how he had sex with a midget and had diarrhoea. Amazingly everyone loves it, *slow clap*, he earns the respect of the newlyweds and the bride's Baptist family. He then unveils a bouncy castle for the kids to play on.

Everyone begins to enjoy themselves and Tucker leans back with his friends as they notice a blind woman being led by a guide dog across the room. Tucker goes after her, his friends roll their eyes like "Oh Tucker!". The End.

Download "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" Script

The "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" film script has now been leaked to the internet. It's pretty terrible - but not as bad as Cecilia over at Film Industry Bloggers and the good folks at Gawker would have you believe.

It's still pretty awful though. Nothing close to the comedic revolution that he had promised fans.

Rudius Message Boards went into damage control overdrive as more and more people got a look at how awful the script is. Topics were locked and deleted, and now it has been spun as a "fake script" made purely to drum up interest in the film.

Most Tucker Max fans are at a Downs Syndrome level of retardation... but are they dumb enough to buy that?

Read the script yourself right now, and you should be able to tell pretty quickly if it's so bad that it can't be real - or whether it's so bad, so self-centredly narcissistic and cringey that it could only be real.