Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Is Tucker Max suffering from writer's block?

If this post gets 20 responses, I will burn my copy of IHTSBIH and post pics here. Don't worry, I bought it second-hand so no money went to the author.
Whatever happened to Assholes Finish First? Tucker told people to start pre-ordering it on the 16th November of 2006, slating it for release in fall 2007. Then that got pushed back from fall 2007 to fall 2008. Well look, here we are in fall 2008 and there's no sign of the book.

Now, on one hand I can understand that maybe there is a reason to delay your book by a year, if you want to add some stories or coincide it's release with your movie launch. But the movie isn't even finished yet, and probably won't be out until April or May 2009. At that stage, AFF will have been put back a grand total of 19 months.

Now, that ain't so bad I suppose.. if you genuinely do have a book ready. But the thing is... Tucker hasn't posted an original story this year. Or all of last year. Or since um.. I dunno. August 2006? The Midget Story is the last actual story that Tucker has posted.

That's over 2 years ago!


So what's he done in the meantime?

- well he wrote a screenplay, a screenplay that contains no new original material or jokes. Wait, sorry, he CO-wrote the screenplay. He couldn't even annotate his own novel into a screenplay without help.

- he pretty much got himself blacklisted at Comedy Central. "I canceled the TV deal with Sony/Comedy Central. There will be no Tucker Max TV show in the near future." Oh Tucker... back when I was a sycophantic fan even I balked at that line, you fooled nobody.

- he wrote the Afterword to Paul Wall's autobiography. Now, I'm no Ernest Hemingway.. but don't you usually write the book first, and then the Afterword. Maybe Tucker is planning to revolutionise the delivery of literature now. "Fuck linear story-telling, bro! Tarantino everything! Begin with the end of the book!"

- the IHTSBIH movie. Well now here's something at least, he found financing for the film and helped cast it. Apparently he turned down big-name studio after big-name studio, until he settled down with indie misfits Darko and three D-List actors. Two years well spent.


Supposedly, Assholes Finish First is good-to-go whenever the movie is released. I find this so hard to believe when he already said that we'd be reading excerpts of it throughout 2008 as he finely tuned his "art". So far nobody has seen a single story from it - do you know why this is?

Three reasons.

#1 - IHTSBIH was the culmination of about 15 years worth of stories that had been finely exaggerated from their original form. AFF can only contain stories that were written in the period between IHTSBIH's publication and the present. That's a time period of 2 years and 8 months.

#2 - All of Tucker's friends have grown-up and moved on. Jojo doesn't even bother with the messageboard anymore, and Slingblade is a happily married man these days. So now Tucker has to be funny all on his own - no Slingblade supporting character, no drunken twenty-something wingmen, just a 33 year old manchild. You want to know the sad truth? Tucker Max doesn't really have that many friends anymore.

And as such, it's not possible for him to be doing any of the things that made the first book a success.

#3 - People want proof. He's e-famous now. There's people who will say they saw him, and that things did not happen the way he says they did. He can't fudge the details anymore, the guy with the camera can't throw up on the tape anymore, the fat girl doesn't run off in real life once she's gotten her "dose" of insults. And now Tucker must actually record things as they actually happened. And he's finding that hard.

So don't hold your breath for Assholes Finish First to be released at the same time as the movie. And when it is finally released, don't be surprised when you see that most of the stories are from the same period as IHTSBIH (yet somehow they were never written in the first 4 years of the site's life?), it's far easier to retcon the past than write recent stories.


If this post gets 20 responses, I will burn my copy of IHTSBIH and post pics here. Don't worry, I bought it second-hand so no money went to the author.

62 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'll gladly reply in the hopes of getting to see this docebag's book destroyed.

Oh, and why go with still photography when you can get video?

Don't forget, we're living in the future!

Anonymous said...

Burn it!!

Anonymous said...

Burn that tripe.

Anonymous said...

Yes, burn the heck out of it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above posters; let's see you burn that thing.

Anonymous said...

No joke, man... that book must burn.

Anonymous said...

Burninate it, son.

Anonymous said...

dude u shud totaly burrn it lol

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you ought to set that mess ablaze.

Anonymous said...

Totally, baby. Burn, baby, burn!

Anonymous said...

The book

The book

The book is on fire!

Anonymous said...

We don't need no water - let the muthaflippa burn!

Anonymous said...

Burn, muthaflippa, burn.

Jerkbag Productions said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'd also enjoy viewing photographic evidence of you burning that book, good sir. Jolly.

Anonymous said...

Hey, have you gotten 20 responses yet, dude?

Anonymous said...

^^^ No, he hasn't. This is post #17, I believe.

Anonymous said...

^^^ Yeah, you're right. Well, here's hoping he gets to twenty!

Anonymous said...

I think...

Anonymous said...

...that...

Anonymous said...

...we're gonna make twenty! Now let's see that beautiful blaze!

Anonymous said...

Nazi!!!

Anonymous said...

Another point is, he's said more then a few times that he doesn't do shit like that anymore. What can he write about?

- hooking up with fat, sexually abused, and psycho girls he meets on the internet?

- begging girls to do his laundry?

- watching American Pie 3 in the back of PAUL WALL's FORD EXPLORER?

Basically, all he's got is stories about making the movie (which are slated to be extras on the DVD) and stories from the book tour.

Anonymous said...

FACT: tucker submitted some material to his publisher. They told him it was crap. Instead of a new book, he updated and re-released IHTSBIH. He also mention re-publishing his previous (print on demand) books. One is a list of pickup lines (the same ones that are floating around the net). The other is some of the IHTSBIH stories, but without the professional editing.

Anonymous said...

He also had a story about hooking up with the "I fucked tucker max" tattoo bitch. I think she killed herself.

Anonymous said...

It's not writer's block, it's constipation.

Anonymous said...

Get back to the A-Z of the message board! That shit was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Light, don't burn the book . . . SHIT ON IT!

If you burn it (or shit on it), please videotape it and put it on YouTube with the tag "Tucker Max." It WILL get hits.

Anonymous said...

if he is wearing shoes in that picture then he definitely isn't 6ft tall

Anonymous said...

i agree with the person above, you should videotape it and put it on youtube. speaking of the midget story, god that story sucked. he tried way too hard to be funny and failed miserably.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice that it's no longer available for pre order?

Anonymous said...

The suggestion to put the burning/crapping video on YouTube was written by Tucker or one of his cronies. I all-but-guarantee it.

It's just more attention for him; why wouldn't he want that.

Anonymous said...

Unneeded comment since we've surpassed 20.

Anonymous said...

Great post, light. The book will never happen. The game has changed on Tucker. With all the video sharing sites and the ease with which "real life" is documented and shared, he knows the entire world would call bullshit on him when he couldn't produce audio or video proof of the crap he claims as true in his stories.

The world has passed Tucker Max and all he's left with is a Wikipedia page full of half-truths and a few teenaged fans who still want to suck his e-cock. What a loser.

sanjeev said...

Oh Great! Bindu wants more pics. She thinks SLF is cute and just needs a hair cut.

Oh BTW, Bindu would like it if you created a cock thread, Tucker's site doesn't have one of those(only boobies and booties) and she is really upset about that.

If you would help her with that it would be much appreciated. Thank you. Sanjeev

Anonymous said...

My legal team is about to shut down this "blog". Fucking losers.

Tucker Max

Anonymous said...

Tucker can also write some old stories, which he has allegedly been sitting on. Like the Tuckerfest disaster where they all got arrested and shit like that.

Anonymous said...

True dat! Tucker Goes To Jail, Buttsex Ensues. That's why he hates mexicans. They had small cocks and wouldn't give him a reach around.

Anonymous said...

#2 - All of Tucker's friends have grown-up and moved on. Jojo doesn't even bother with the messageboard anymore, and Slingblade is a happily married man these days. So now Tucker has to be funny all on his own - no Slingblade supporting character, no drunken twenty-something wingmen, just a 33 year old manchild. You want to know the sad truth? Tucker Max doesn't really have that many friends anymore.

Jojo got married this summer, and from the photos I've seen Tucker wasn't even invited to the beach wedding.

So, let's see:
PWJ = married, one child
Goldenboy = married, 2 children
Slingblade = married!
Hate = engaged, if not married already
El Bingeroso = married, no kids

I'd say his 'law school friends' have all grown up. They are all gainfully employed, most are even lawyers, and are clearly distancing themselves from him.

Anonymous said...

I honestly don't get when you say, "They have grown up, they are distancing themselves from him" like he is a manchild. I mean he just wrote and produced a 6 Million Dollar Independent Movie, how is that not having grown up? He is a fucking movie producer, you idiot, and his friends like Slingblade all visited the set of the goddamn movie.

Lots of people are single in their early 30's, is everyone retarded?

Mike said...

He's the man, but needs more stories.

Anonymous said...

this sucks

Anonymous said...

I am not a fan but obviuosly the guy needed some time off. He just finished a movie that I am sure we all will go see. Give him a break. If anyone was keeping track of Tucker during his more recent time off it has been easy to see where he has been. As a he appears to be in some relationship with some girl according to his facebook/myspace page and on his blog you can see that he has recently had a knee surgery. I kind of feel bad for the guy.

Anonymous said...

^^^ you feel bad for the guy? you go to his myspace/facebook page? WE ALL WILL GO SEE HIS MOVIE?!?!??! you are a tucker fanboy, you dumb fuck

Anonymous said...

oh fuck you, you cocksucking douche bag! tucker max is funniest person alive, and yet your life is composed of smearing someone else cause you dont have a life.

Anonymous said...

3 or 4 comments up..if you know all his friends' life then you are a creep. Tucker is the man. Show me a guy that gets laid and drunk more often and is more hilarious about it.
You're all uptight bitches, get a sense of humor.

Jojo said...

Hold up, wait a minute.

First off, I didn't ask any anonymous people to look at my wedding pictures.

Second, how are all of you so sure that these events didn't happen? I was there for about half of them and don't remember most of you being around. Those stories are most definitely true, couldn't tell you about the others.

Third, why are you wasting so much time and energy speculating on what other people did or didn't do? Live your own lives and you'll probably be a much happier group of people.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Tucker Max. Even though he is a dick to women, he is hilarious and sounds like a pretty fun guy so stop hating.

Anonymous said...

to the creator of this blog...you suck and are a loser, who gives a shit what tucker does and even if they were embelished he is a new york times best seller

what have you done with your life

Anonymous said...

How r u? your website is cute
Take a look at that crazy emo song:
http://tinyurl.com/75993v

Anonymous said...

Fuck somebody is jealous

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Jen said...

This is the dumbest blog page to date. And it is clear that the first 20 comments are from the same person trying to make this blog seem so interesting and controversial. News flash: Tucker is rich, you're not. I am sure he doesn't care about your opinion because although you hate him, he's still a best seller. Stop hiding behind this blog, and grow a pair.

muhammadrazzaq said...

As a he appears to be in some relationship with some girl according to his facebook/myspace page and on his blog you can see that he has recently had a knee surgery. I kind of feel bad for the guy.

Anonymous said...

the book came out...it was awesome, dont you all look like idiot. dont hate appreciate, i can understand that people with low self esteem and nothing better to do with their lives make a website that bashes on a guy that became famous from sleeping with women( something most of you will probably never experience) but even if his stories are exaggerated, they are still hilarious, and for that, tucker max, i salute you

Derek said...

most of you people that are hateing tucker for what he did or didn't do seem like you want to suck his dick more than the people that actually like him.. haha get some real relationships going before you die face-fucking this blog with all the others who don't like him. Tuckers a man of a very select taste and i admire that as well as the next asshole.

Tucker if your out of the game then great run but if your ever in chicago best post it. We will all drink to you.

FuckOffMuhammad86 said...

Tucker Max is the most successful troll out there. If he can get alot of people's panties in a big fucking knot, I'd say he's succeeded in doing so. So remember sheep, there's tons of assholes out there. Deal with it. Live with it. Embrace it. Make it your own.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like tucker max got the best of you. You don't even know him and yet you are infuriated by. You should know he doesn't care about anything or anyone except himself. Why don't you be mature and get overself, cause the money has already been spent on him. Who cares if he exaggerated the stories? We all got a huge laugh out of it and that's all that it was written for... Don't act like you have never exaggerated anything in ur life, cause everyone does it. He just capitalized on it... Ya it sucks that his shit doesn't come out when he said, but what do you expect from someone like tucker max? Hahaha grow up bro.

Anonymous said...

I bet all of you are just a bunch of losers living in your parent's basements, eating Doritos and surfing the net for porn, and are painfully bitter that some guy gets women and money, while you're 24 and still have an allowance. Stop jacking off, hating on famous people, and get a life.

Michael Matthews said...

Do u guys really think he gives a flying fuck what u limp dicks think about him. get a life

Michael Matthews said...

Do u guys really think he gives a flying fuck what u limp dicks think about him. get a life

Anonymous said...

What is this a comunist column Burnt it burn it .... Don't be shitty cause he has money and gets mad pussy ... While you sit at your computer and jerk off