Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Importance of Being Important

Before I get to my maiden entry on this, the sole surviving 'Tucker-hatred-blog', I think it might be worthwhile to tell everyone a little about myself. That way, I can perhaps quell the persistent notion among Tuckster's 'e-army' that all 'haterz (yo)' are basement-dwelling losers. Also, other 'haterz (wurd)' can take solace in the fact that at least some of us are normal human beings. Skip the following paragraph if you're not interested.

I'm a few years younger than Tucker, but unlike him, I actually served in the armed forces after I graduated from high school. During my time in service (half of which I spent overseas), I was able to build up a nice stash of money, which I turned into more money, thanks to the wise counsel of men much smarter than me. I am now financially independent, and am just finishing grad school. I have a beautiful, loving wife and a son whom I adore. I am knee-deep in several projects that I think are going to be very successful in the next few years. In short, I have a full, fulfilling life. I don't live in my parents' basement, and I don't obsess over all things Tucker. My interest in this ongoing e-saga has less to do with any personal derision for someone I've never met, and more to do with what his popularity and acceptance say about the state of modern society. Hopefully, this concern is what fuels most of the 'haters' (g funk)' dislike for old man Max.


Wildean references aside, I have occasionally wondered what it is about Tuckster that riles me so. True, his insistence on glorifying a shallow, vapid lifestyle (and his encouragement for others to do the same) is offensive and disturbing. What would have made him a social pariah fifty short years ago is what makes him allegedly successful in this, the era where the so-called X-generation has assumed its place as the driving force in the cultural milieu.

However, what makes Tucker unique, even in a generation that glorifies selfishness, excess, and the vandalism of traditional ideals, is his persistent certainty that what he is doing is important. Now, this entry isn't concerned with analysis of why Tuck has such a desperate need to believe that he's important, but it should be fairly obvious to anyone who's followed the silly pseudo-saga of his life and career that he has deep self-image issues, back of his conscious self-awareness. It stands to reason, then, that no matter what he does, he must do it in such a way as to be able to rationalize it as objectively significant in the world.

If we had Tuckmeister here to question (Tucker, you're welcome anytime, but be aware - you're not among friends, brah), the first thing I would ask him to do is explain why, in an objective way, his body of 'work' is possibly important. He would undoubtedly mutter something about how popular response validates his 'art' (of course, all that line of reasoning does is justify things like NKOTB or, Heaven forbid, Creed). When that level of discourse fell apart, he'd retort that he's giving a voice to a heretofore-ignored sector of people (as though nobody ever drank or screwed before this generation); he'd wrap up his apologetic with some tripe about how objective standards of greatness in art are dead anyway, and how if we can't see what makes his writing great, we're naive, or blinded by hatred/fear, or some such garbage.

Looking for the perfect late Kwanzaa gift for that 'lovable narcissist' in your life?

You see, no matter what the objection, Tucker has a ready-made response that, at least in his own mind (and the hollow minds of those who think like him), negates whatever legitimate criticism there is, and re-centers his self-perception on the foundational belief that he is truly important. He thinks money equals importance. He thinks controversy validates his actions. God help him, he even thinks that temporal, unstable measuring standards like book sales and site hits confirm what he thinks he knows about his place in the world.

I don't mean to assert that the things Tucker does - chasing girls, drinking to excess, having lots of wild and zany adventures - are not fun and exciting things. I did those things when I was younger, too, and though I don't chase girls anymore, as my wife would probably feel uncomfortable with such an activity, I still enjoy the occasional bender and the sordid adventures that it entails. It's just that I don't regard those things, or my enthusiasm for reliving them through animated storytelling, as 'great things'. They're kid-things. They're still fun to do, but how sad would it be if those things were the very foundation for my 'life's work?' Would that not make me a truly pitiful human being in the big picture? If my greatest skill was my ability to tell stories of my own debauchery, could I really be satisfied with the expanse of my influence on this world? Yet, for Tucker, those things not only define him, but he believes they validate him as a real and vital contributor to society and art. He really doesn't understand that his 'fans' will someday grow up and move on, and that subsequent generations will regard his 'art' with about the same esteem that I regard my father's drinking-and-screwing tales (which is to say, none).

This is why, for all the discussion and analysis, humorous and serious, that we do, that Gawker does, that the Script Reader does, and that anyone anywhere does, we are powerless to ever get through to him. His self-image is borne of a self-preservation mechanism that had its beginnings long before he was old enough to drink a beer. It is, at this point, automatic for him, and it’s going to take either a catastrophic, monumental event in his life, or his very death, to ever get him to see that his is truly a life wasted.

I apologize for the lack of humor (and the lack of brevity) in this entry. I just figured that it might be worthwhile to throw something thoughtful up here, both to give voice to the serious concerns that cause us to mock Tucker and wish for his downfall, and to add a little substance to this, the only remaining outpost of organized Tucker-hatred still standing on this glorious web of ours.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great first post!

Tucker Max is much like the gang rape scene in the Jodie Foster movie 'The Accused.' Soemone gets raped and a group of boys loudly cheer the rapist on.

The idea that he thinks what he does is art or important on any level beyond a fart joke is stunning.

Bufthsects, indeed!

Anonymous said...

Hey Barry, nice first post!

So while I was reading your inaugural entry, you got me thinking about the Script Reader's blog, and as I haven't checked her site out for a while, I figured I would. Holy SHIT! That thread is like the damn Energizer Bunny, it just keeps going, and going, and going... And in the next to last entry, I found this little gem:

"Hey “Ben”,

Or should I call you Tucker?

Because that’s either you, Tucker, or possibly more embarrassing, a Tucker fanboy who is so unoriginal that you had to steal Tucker’s writing, verbatim:

http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=24773&page=2

I prefer to believe that that was you, Tucker, with an especially inept attempt at anonymously defending yourself, because if there’s one thing possibly more pathetic, it would be that one of your fans learned his lesson so well from your plagiarism and dishonesty that he decided to rip you off wholesale and think he could get away with it.

You are a liar and a fraud, Tucker Max, and it’s but a matter of time until your house of cards comes crashing down around you, you fucking douchebag."


HAHAHAHAHA! That had to be Tucker, but I agree with the commenter that if it was one of his fans, how fucking lame is that? So fucking unoriginal that he had to steal his lying hero's prose verbatim. But I'm fairly sure that that was Tucker, just the same.

Tucker Max is in fact a Doucebag (props to Cockly's fallen blog), and when I get some free time, I'm going to pick apart the Tuckster's um, defense that one of his mongoloid fanboys posted a day or two ago on IMDB. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/127124501

Yeah, that should provide hours of amusement. But for now, it's Friday, and I live in a college town, so I do believe that I'm going to become inebriated, smoke some weed, and see if I can't hook up with some strange. Unlike you Barry, I don't have a wife and kid(s), so I still enjoy womanizing and getting royally fucked up.

And come to think of it, I have to add my $0.02. I don't hate Tucker because of the content of his alleged exploits, I hate him because he is a transparent fraud, who invented his adventures out of thin air, and passes them off as 100% true accounts of his CRRRRAAAAZY life. One of his go-to lines is, to paraphrase, "If you went to college, you or someone you know has similar stories of debauchery."

True enough. Lord knows that I have more than a few of my own as do nearly all of my male friends. But the difference is that

A. Mine are true.
B. I'm embarrassed by my drunken explots, not amped.

When I wake up in a stranger's car that I've mistaken for my own in a drunken stupor, I'm fucking mortified (and relieved that I'm not in jail). When I puke and get some on myself, that's not cool, that's humiliating.

Suffice it to say that I agree with you Barry, in that if my 'contribution' to humanity consisted of no more than being a drunken, loudmouthed, duplicitous Doucebag I would probably kill myself out of the sheer uselessness of it all. Fortunately, I'm a year away from having a Ph.D, have numerous published articles, and a presumably bright future doing something constructive that I love.

But I digress.

Oh, and Light, if you still want another writer for the blog to share the workload, let me know. Aside from working on my dissertation and teaching, I don't have a hell of a lot on my plate right now, so I'd be more than glad to step up and contribute to the last bastion of truth, that proclaims far and wide that Tucker Max is a Doucebag (and liar).

Anonymous said...

Tucker eats the peanuts out of my poo.

Anonymous said...

you can now see posts over 5000 at

tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com


IT'S BACK!

Anonymous said...

good stuff

Anonymous said...

FAIL

Description: Overt justifications
of self; rambling

Anonymous said...

Great post.
I am so glad I 'got out' of the Tucker culture when I did. I gradually grew up and bit and thought 'Hey. This guy is actually a complete fuckwit'.

.:t.t:. - Croatinha said...

where can i find cloud starchaser???

Anonymous said...

^^ You can find me instead.

Anonymous said...

^^ In your mouth, sooner than later.

Anonymous said...

she looks pretty cute.

Anonymous said...

i read the first couple paragrpahs then skimmed the rest. tucker may be a douche, but so you are, maybe an even bigger one

Barry Bater said...

"tucker may be a douche, but so you are..."

A douche, I am? Proper syntax, do you know?

Nice try, Yoda.

Anonymous said...

Give me more! I'm waaaaaaaaaaiting.... Great writing.

Anonymous said...

this is better than anything tuckers ever written.

Anonymous said...

Barry Bater said...
"tucker may be a douche, but so you are..."

A douche, I am? Proper syntax, do you know?

Nice try, Yoda.

January 31, 2009 6:13 PM


I had gotten offline yesterday and started drinking and was a little drunk. I was watching TV and then suddenly thought to myself "Nice try, Yoda." I just started laughing my ass off. Great Stuff!

Anonymous said...

dude, you can talk about your life and how you "have one" all you want...it still doesnt change the fact that you spend time writing crap like this.

you call tuckers fans "basement-dwellers" when in fact alot of us have college educations and successful careers.
tucker max, like any other author, is just doing what an author is supposed to do...entertain people with their writing. dont like it?
put the book down and go do something else. your blog is pointless.

how about you use your free time with that "son you adore", not writing hate-blogs for tucker max.

another thing...
you served in the armed forces, so what?!?
me too. still am, actually.
and most of the people i work with are HUGE tucker max fans.

seriously dude, get a life.


[and a response to this along the lines of "well your wasting your time writing a comment to a hateblog" will fall on deaf ears.
im not wasting time. im just bored.]

Anonymous said...

dude, you can talk about your life and how you "have one" all you want...it still doesnt change the fact that you spend time writing crap like this.

you call tuckers fans "basement-dwellers" when in fact alot of us have college educations and successful careers.
tucker max, like any other author, is just doing what an author is supposed to do...entertain people with their writing. dont like it?
put the book down and go do something else. your blog is pointless.

how about you use your free time with that "son you adore", not writing hate-blogs for tucker max.

another thing...
you served in the armed forces, so what?!?
me too. still am, actually.
and most of the people i work with are HUGE tucker max fans.

seriously dude, get a life.


[and a response to this along the lines of "well your wasting your time writing a comment to a hateblog" will fall on deaf ears.
im not wasting time. im just bored.]

Anonymous said...

isn't wasting time precisely what people do when they're bored? the guy above me is a dumbass.