Rudius Media Message Boards (RMMB) - If you're like me you're a little addicted to these message boards, I can't help but visit them regularly. It makes me feel so good to watch people who fancy themselves as smart be completely taken in by Tucker and the other Rudius idiots. It's like Scientology. As such, I've decided to make this little piece to celebrate the car crash awfulness of the message boards (in particular The Idiot Board, The IHTSBIH Board, and Ask Tucker For Advice)
By the way, the message boards used to actually be kinda alright - but those days are long gone. And much of the A-Z will explain why. Onward..
A is for Asshole
An asshole is what you must be if you want to earn the precious validation points on the RMMB. Like the orifice, assholes come in all different shapes and sizes - but when you're on the Rudius Message Boards it is important that your assholery imitate that of Tucker.
Any woman that didn't hook up with you was a fat bitch anyways. Any beer that isn't the one that you're drinking is really just piss, and only drank by losers. You and the other bros have never lost a fight. Made out with her? Man, I fucked her 'til she whistled like a teapot! I live a crazy life just like Tucker!
B is for BCWoods
BCWoods (real name Brandon Woods) was one of posters who wasn't an asshole, and is the only person ever on the RMMB who I would buy a bottle of beer for without having the intent of smashing it over their head. BCWoods' stories were unabashed tales of a bizarre dysfunctional childhood. Tucker managed to spin BCWoods popularity into glory and money for himself, as he gave BCWoods a blogger spot in the Rudius network, DaddyDontHitMe.com - which quickly became the second most popular site in the Rudius network. For 6 months of blogging Brandon Woods received the grand total of $82. When he politely questioned Tucker about this he received this elegant response:
Excuse me? Did you write the email below, or am I seeing things? Is this a joke?
Have you let the very small amount of fame—that I am almost entirely
responsible for—really go that much to your fucking head that you
think you can talk to me that way?
If you don't like our arrangement, if you don't like that fact that I
found you as a complete nobody doing nothing and have given you the
opportunity to reach the world, then you can go back to where you were
when I found you.
In fact, thats a good idea. You go ahead and go your own way. Let's
see how you do when you don't have anyone to blame but yourself.
Don't read any further. Go back and read that shit again. How fucking pathetic is Tucker Max?
BCWoods chose to leave quietly. Any messages questioning his absence and the sudden death of DaddyDontHitMe.com were quickly deleted.
Brandon still writes today. And it's still pretty good.
Tucker Max makes a reasonable amount of money from the Rudius ads, but when it comes to sharing it out with the people that generated it he seems to come up a bit short, I wonder why?
No wait, I don't, it's because he's a complete faggot.
C is for Cunt
This is what Jamie Tarses, legendary TV consultant and one of the most powerful women in Hollywood is. Well, at least according to Tucker Max. She was the woman who would've greenlit and helped produce Tucker's much (self)publicized Comedy Central show. This is the woman that developed Friends. She knows her fucking shit.
When she told Tucker how she thought the show should be done (i.e. with professional script-writers) he called her a "dumb cunt". From that moment onward the chances of Tucker Max appearing on television in anything other than a Rogaine advert became very slim.
All talk of the Comedy Central pilot was pulled from Rudius, and then Tucker had to go the awkward route of writing a (shitty) screenplay, getting rejected by every major film studio and finally scraping a deal with indie newcomers Darko to get it produced.
D is for Douchebag
This is what everyone on the RMMB isn't. Curiously the effect of being a massive asshole in the imitation of Tucker makes you less of a douchebag. The "d-bomb" is reserved exclusively for Anthony DiMeo, John Fitzgerald Page and the likes.
I mean, to the rational thinking person, an asshole and a douchebag are pretty much the same person - but in the world of RMMB an asshole is fucking awesome, and a douchebag is an uptight delusional fuck who desperately needs a Wahoo (see 'W'.. coming soon).
E is for Erin Tyler
(You might know her better by the nickname TheBunny.) You know the phrase "behind every good man, there's a great woman"? For this instance think of it as "behind every lying douchebag, there's a stupid bitch supporting him" - Erin Tyler is that stupid bitch.
She's the on-off girlfriend of Tucker, web tech designer of every new Rudius site, and the editor of his work. She does all of this for free. Because someday Tucker is going to be real famous, as opposed to fading-internet-celebrity famous. And then he's just bound to marry her.
Let me tell you a story. When I was just a young kid I dropped my Gameboy on the ground and, even though it didn't smash, it had stopped working. The battery light would come on but the screen was blank. I asked my Dad and he said that even though it looked alright, it was broken on the inside. Erin Tyler is that Gameboy.
Nah, I'm just kidding - I never broke my Gameboy, I just wanted to personify Erin as one. Using metaphors makes it easier to objectify women, am I right bro? *Internet Five*
Erin Tyler is the kind of woman that sees an asshole and wants to change him. No matter what. Read both of these examples for evidence: 1 - 2
F is for Faggotry
This is number one activity of the RMMB. As faggotry maintains its steady increase, Alexa ranking maintains its steady decrease. It's a beautiful yin-yang. This entry should encompass all the dirty dealings of the RMMB, the fake book reviews on Amazon, the threads full of lame-ass joke answers on the Advice board, the posters who jump to Tucker's defense when anyone questions anything, the validation system, the threads filled with personal posts between moderators who know each other in real life, I feel I could go on forever.
The number one cause of this faggotry begins with the letter 'g'..
G is for Groupthink
Groupthink is a word inspired by George Orwell's 1984, and it is used to describe how a bunch of people will all say the same thing and be in agreement with one another, even though it is not their own opinion. It's a more technical term for being a spineless idiot who follows blindly. It's quite appropriate that an 1984-inspired word should so accurately describe the RMMB, but I guess it's fitting since it is so similarly run to a dystopian one-almighty-ruler society.
Constant moderation ensures that anyone thinking negative thoughts will be effectively silenced. People are rewarded with validation points for making sure they've spelt "vapid" right and properly spaced out their post about the time they fucked that crazy chick. Even more validation points if you remember to leave out the bit where you cried yourself to sleep after she left whilst you were flushing the condom.
By far my favourite example of this is the nirvanaslave5000 thread where he bought a dildo for his co-worker. His post explaining the whole thing features an MS Paint drawing and little punctuation. It is hilarious. However, brainwashed TuckerFags immediately started to harass him and pull his personal details to harass him and make fun of him. Enter Tucker Max, who states he quite enjoyed the post, and watch opinion change like a fucking light switch. Spineless spineless creatures... (Feel free to read the rest of the thread, it gets quite hilarious and pathetic, the only real winner is nirvanaslave5000)
Groupthink ensures that the RMMB is a dumb place, and it's a sad reflection on humanity that people will go out of their way to prove themselves to a bunch of faceless douchebags that they'll never meet.