H is for HotWheelz
Do you ever see those videos of politicians kissing babies and hugging old women in the street during the run-up to an election? That’s what I think of everytime I see Tucker talk about HotWheelz. Let me jump back to the start.
HotWheelz is a cripple, he suffers from muscular dystrophy and has been confined to a wheelchair most of his life. He created a memorable thread called “Ask A Cripple” where posters were invited to ask him anything. His upbeat attitude and witty responses elicited a positive response, and eventually the fact that he’s a virgin was spun into another Rudius website.
It’s the 15th most “popular” Rudius site, although it isn’t listed on the Rudius Media page which I guess means that the only difference between HotWheelz and other Rudius writers is that he doesn’t get paid. Rudius writers get paid... don’t they?
I’m getting sidetracked, on with the post:
Hotwheelz is a tool.
Not in the sense that he’s an idiot, he actually seems quite pleasant for someone who has a tube in their neck. But he’s a tool in that he is used as one by Tucker to counter-balance the “asshole” image. The “asshole” image must stand carefully between the full-blown faggoty-ass “I’m not paying you. And you’re fired.” asshole (which is what Tucker is) and the “Oh my Gawd, I can’t believe you said that to my friend! You are *such* an asshole – can I have your number?” cool guy asshole.
Giving HotWheelz his own site, and a small cameo in the movie is Tucker doing his own PR. “Hey guys! Don’t rag on him, he may be a cripple… but he’s cool with me.” How could Tucker possibly be a raging douchebag if he’s friends with a cripple? He’s clearly not an asshole at all, and inside there is a tender heart of goodness.
I is for Idiot Board
The Idiot Board may be the only message board on the entire web that requires you to make an “audition” topic, which may or may not get moved to the board where retards can actually start posting on it.
Let me just clarify this, your topic must compete in a mini American Idol competition before it can become an actual topic.
A glance at the first page shows topics where the last post is 5 days old. Week old topics remain on the front page of the message boards – whilst others never get to see the light of day. Far be it from me to suggest an improvement to the message boards, but really? This is your preferred way of running the main board?
Right now I can see that there are 300 people viewing the Board, yet only 9 topics there have had new messages posted in them today? What does this tell us? That most people would rather not post, than put up with shitty Nazi posting rules.
J is for Jarhead
If you were to choose one group of people to pander to, to have your back, to use as defense whenever you need one the military would be it.
I could sit here and type about how joining the military is dumb. About how dying for rich white men in suits in a foreign desert is dumb. About how naivety and a misplaced notion of patriotism will get you into a war you didn’t have to fight. That dying for your country in this day and age is fucking stupid.
Horrible isn’t it? To attack people who are putting their life on the line for you and your country.
Now if I were a best-selling author. I’d probably try and ally myself with this group, a little bullshit charity here, a phony diary by a made-up soldier here (torn apart by actual real-life soldiers here), post stories about how they like to read my book in their base camps and fanatically idolize them on my message boards.
Get a few on the boards and give them their own private board to discuss military matters. Pretty soon you’ll have a whole jingo-ish message board army at your disposal. If you’re not with us, you’re against us.
And from there? Just look at it like this: there’s a LOT of soldiers, and there’s nothing soldiers love more than to drink, fuck and tell stories – that means a lot of books to sell. Soldiers aren’t going to question the stories, they don’t get paid for their investigative minds. Why not manipulate them for your own image? Halliburton shouldn't be the only one profiting from the Iraq War.
K is for Knowledge
Knowledge, and its control, are the lifeblood of Tucker Max. Any dissent on the message boards is immediately stamped out, no matter how prevalent the point. If, like me, you’ve ever posted anything negative you’ll be familiar with these stages:
- Postive rep “I’m glad someone had the balls to say it”
- Selective quoting by a sycophantic moderator. They’ll build up an argument that you didn’t even mention and then tear it down, thus proving you wrong.
- Your post is deleted. Maybe it leaves a “This post was deleted” space, but it’s usually less suspicious to just make the post disappear entirely.
- And then maybe you get a suspension too.
L is for Lies
Would you believe I spent like 5 minutes trying to think of an “L” before I thought of “lies”? I am dumb.
I could go on about Tucker’s lies until the Internet becomes obsolete, but let’s just look at one for now. The fake Amazon reviews.
It is so easy to fake an Amazon review. Look back at the “Tucker Max charity auction debacle” where he talks about making multiple accounts on “Infirmation.com” to create the false idea that certain companies were paying summer associates more than the average, thus heightening the average.
Is Tucker above writing fake Amazon reviews of his own book? If you’re answering “Yes” to that question then please unplug your computer and stick a fork in the socket.
If you're not going to believe it from me, then take it from one of the board's own mods, speaking anonymously:
And he’s willing to lie to sell a copy of his book, then surely he’s willing to lie in the book, to your face, on his message board and to his employees.
Those rumors about Tucker having his mods (and selected others) go to Amazon.com to give fake reviews of his book in an effort to drive up sales, IT'S FUCKING TRUE. I saw it firsthand, I wrote two of those fucking reviews on TUCKER'S REQUEST. It's fucking true, and I wish I kept the PM he sent me to let me know he not only liked the review, but wanted me to go back for seconds.
M is for Macho-Centric
When you go into work tomorrow I’d like you to sneak up behind a co-worker you don’t like that much, and choke them until they lose consciousness.
When you’re being escorted out of the building by police, take a second to wonder why doing this in the real world was wrong, yet doing this on the set of a multi-million dollar movie, whilst a producer films you doing it, is FUCKING AWESOME.
I’ll never understand why causing physical harm to another person is considered manly, but making a stand by quitting a film due to bullying is considered shameful, cowardly and indicative of a lack of character.
For idiots on the RMMB, the choke-video was considered both hilarious and life-affirming. I find it a bit disturbing that someone could do that over words said on a message board, and come out looking like a hero.
I guess there must be something wrong with me.