Just for posterity's sake..

Tucker Max is 6 feet tall.

lol.

From tuckermaxdoucebag:

"Here's a Tucker Max story you haven't heard of yet, and this goes back a few years when his book was just published and started making money.

I worked as a literary agent at the firm that signed Tucker. We basically deal with books about poker and gambling as well as male based literature. While I was not part of "Team Tucker" I was very good friends with the agent who represented him and got him his first book deal (when nobody else would touch him).

Tucker was pretty much a douche, but once the book started making money he became something else. He would have tantrums in the office of his agent that would permeate the rest of the floor. He would scream and shout how he was "being robbed" when we ran a legitimate operation. Facts of the matter are this, his agent GOT HIM THE DEAL. Tucker (somebody with a legal background, enough so to understand contract law) SIGNED THE DEAL.

As with any agency, all money that one of our clients earn goes through the agency before the writer is paid. This way the writer is guaranteed his money as they are backed by the agency and their legal/accounting leverage. This is STANDARD. This is the way how things are done. We take our percentage and cut the check.

Anyway, this did not work for Tucker Max. He accused the agency of stealing from him. The reason was because the publisher had taken a bit longer then we were told to send us the check. Tucker's agent assured him that it could be nothing further from the truth and he had nothing to worry about. These things happen more often than not, it's the nature of the business.

Of course this was not good enough for Tucker. He threw a huge tantrum in our offices and threatened pretty much every agent on the floor, saying "If I don't have my money by XXX date, I'm coming back here and beating you all with a bat". That's not exactly what he said, but it was about as close as you can get. This was a "professional" writer whom had just gotten his first book deal, and he was now accusing the people who got the deal of theft. The firm is a legit business enterprise, but this was not good enough. Tucker said he could do things better and cut the middle man (the agent) out of the equation.

Problem was, Tucker couldn't really get out of the contract and my firm has (and still is) receiving money from IHTSBIH. To clarify, he's not making that much per book. That's pretty standard of ANY FIRST TIME UNKNOWN AUTHOR. They make their money on the 2nd book and so on. I won't say how much he's making, but it's less than 1/2 of the .80 cents per copy that is being claimed in these forums.

Also, he never got anything remotely approaching 300,000 for his 2nd book. You might as well have told everybody that you could throw a football over them there mountains. His book, while MODESTLY successful, had nowhere near the amount of sales to warrant even close to 100K let alone 300K.

Hey TUcker, if you're reading this, it's Greg from your old agency. Fuck you bitch, I'm glad you failed."

More on this later. Do NOT email be about this, people.

You must watch this

What follows is a first-hand look at exatcly what's been going on behind closed doors at the crumbling Rudius Media empire. As a bonus, there is more comedy in this three-minute video clip than in Tucker's entire movie. What you are about to see... may shock you.



All credit goes to Ryan Holiday's intern, for being brave enough to share the truth with us.

BREAKING NEWS- RUDIUS MEDIA MESSAGEBOARD SHUT DOWN

Not to take any of the attention away from Light's post from earlier today (read below- it's a great entry), the Rudius Media Messageboard has been shut down. D.O.A. Dead in the water. Stopped cold in its tracks.

Don't believe me? Click here.

Here's Tucker's final post on the RMMB:

"It is nearly seven years to the day since SlingBlade encouraged me to put up a forum on my site where we could talk shit to people, and in that time, this place has grown with me as I have gone from some random asshole with a website to a famous asshole with a #1 best selling book and movie.

This message board has been many other things to me over the years: Hilarious, enlightening, encouraging, distracting, frustrating, and above all, entertaining. I am glad it ran for as long as it did, and the community that grew up around it provided much value to many people beyond myself, and for that, I am very thankful.

But all things must eventually end, and for this board, that time is now. As helpful as this place was in it's time, I no longer have the time or desire to put in the effort necessary to maintain it.

That being said, various people who post regularly here have decided to spin their own niche communities off and keep going. I've encouraged them to do this, I think they are all capable of running an online community and I wish them the best of luck. If the subjects of these boards interest you, I encourage you to join and participate, as these will all be intelligent and well-run boards...

Though the message board that I started is shutting down, this does not mean I am retiring or stopping writing or anything like that. Quite the opposite. I am hard at work not only on my next book, Assholes Finish First, but another book that I will announce soon, and I have many other projects that will come to fruition over the next few years."

Good riddance, Tucker. I guess the revolution will not only NOT be televised, it won't even be on the internet.

Hey brah

How does it feel to be on the winning team, brah?

Grab yourself a drink, Barry Bater made punch and I do believe TDG has provided some pie for us all. Pull up a chair, put your feet up - we've got nothing to do but toast.

(Success Baby says... "Success!")

Watching IHTSBIH revenue slow and slow. Currently sitting on $1.3 million and, oh my, does it feel good to be right!

It's been entertaining as fuck watching Tucker Max bring financial and professional ruin on himself and others. That boastful claim about topping whatever "The Hangover" could do, the outright lies about distribution up until the very last second when he revealed it was Freestyle, the rumours about how everyone on set hated him, the grandiosity of his paradigm-shifting plans for Hollywood and so on. If I could turn the clock back and live it all over again, from scratch, then I would do it in a heartbeat.

I loved the way people outright said to Tucker on his own message boards that it would not be a success, and he slammed them, deleted them, banned them. Has there ever been a more enjoyable story of a douchebag getting his come-uppance?

Now folks, I know things aren't over yet - we still have the DVD release to look forward to, and of course, the smash hit that will be Assholes Finish First (yeah it was pushed back a year brah, cos the world wasn't ready!) But surely you can't be mad at me for wanting to toast this moment?

FUN FACT: If you made any money at all this year, or at least lost less than 10 million dollars - then you are more successful than Tucker Max.

There has been too much to enjoy on Rudius Boards now: the blame game, the sycophantic mods finally starting to see the light, long-term fans getting FUCKYOUBANNED at the drop of a hat. Its like watching a seed grow into a beautiful flower. Truly, it is the perfect compliment to the piss-poor box office receipts.

I don't really have that much else to say, what a fun ride it has been to this point. I just felt that this blogspot needed a little something written about how things have gone, and I thought it was about time we slapped each other on the back and said "Fuck Tucker Max. His time is up!".

Apologies that this little hate website never quite got the constant flow of content it deserved. Now that things are over I feel I could've done so much more for you haters. Truly it was tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com that shone bright. And, in the end, it was you guys who became the stars of the show!

Stand up:

Barry Bater (he helped liven up the tuckermaxlies office, and I like to think we shared a moment at the Christmas party...)
The Deconstruction Guy (aka TDG) (the Michael Jordan of this shit)
Think About Tucker Guy (aka TATguy) (I will never stop TAT, I love you)
NoNicknameGuy
Japanese Spammer
Ryan Holiday's Intern
Viacom Guy
Biscuits
Cockly McBeefwell
Cloud Starchaser
Fiat dollars guy
Anti-Semitic guy
Guy who fucked The Trixie up the ass
Former mod (yay, for you saw the light!)
Current mods (it's not too late to jump ship!)
mccoymountain and pmcdonnell (IMDB is a better place with you in it)
and people I forgot because I'm lame, and all those of you who fake-nicknamed up...

or remained... Anonymous


Raise your glasses! To Tucker Max and his lies!

To read.... the untrollable blog...

Anyone who's following the disaster zone that is Tucker Max's life and 'career' knows exactly what I'm talking about when I write things like 'douchebag', 'doucebag', 'TATGuy', 'Viacom guy', and so forth; they're cherished and beloved characters, like the sort you remember from the fairy tales you loved as a child.

Oh, wait- did I say 'cherished and beloved'? I meant 'hated and despised'. You see, for all of the benefits of using the abandoned site http://tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com/, there is one glaring flaw: it's un-moderated- Cockly doesn't remember the log-on credentials, so there's effectively no way for him (or anyone else) to do away with pesky troll comments.

That's where this entry comes in. I'm hoping we can use it as a catch-all discussion forum for all things Tucker, like we've been doing with Cockly's site for the last two years. I can assure you that the more... 'illustrious' trollers won't be able to pull their garbage here.

Please, pass the word. The discussion at the Doucebag-blog is often interesting, funny, etc., it just needs to be troll-free. With this site and your help, it can happen.

EDIT: Please understand, this is not a matter of anyone having 'Fuck You, Banned' powers over the people who post here. It is, rather, a way for us to keep discussions on-point without having the comments devolve into posts about Russian mail-order brides, the evils of Viacom, and random ramblings about the Federal Reserve. No more of that racist nonsense, either.

Great quotes of our time

"Anything The Hangover can do at the box office we can beat. Easily." Tucker Max, June 2009

The Hangover is officially the biggest grossing R-rated comedy of all time.

It was pretty clear even before it hit theatres that The Hangover was going to do well, but I don't think anyone expected it to make quite this much money without any major stars in it.

So I guess Tucker's movie is going to make like twice as much?

The Art of Deconstruction

There's kind of a lot to talk about in Tuckerland these days- and as usual for all things Tucker, most of it concerns the deafening silence surrounding Tucker's TEICM (Totally Epic, Industry-Changing Movie. Obviously.).

I was originally going to write something about the recently-posted email exchanges between Tucker and Mr.X- http://tinyurl.com/lk56aw, scroll down to 6/17/2009, 9:42, AM to see the exchanges- but that matter is rather self-explanatory, and of course we'll have to wait until Tucker's highly artistic, beautiful, moving film releases to see how that bears out.

Instead, I'd just like to briefly draw attention to something I like to call the art of deconstruction. If you're reading this, you're likely already aware of the bright new star in the 'Tucker Hater' pantheon, Deconstruction Guy, or as I think we should all refer to him going forward, 'The Deconstructor' (come on, try telling me that's not a cool nickname). Basically, this guy began by breaking down some of Tucker's movie-blog posts with biting, compelling commentary, but now he's moved on to deconstruct Tucker's really awesome and hilarious artistic stories in the same manner. I'll not repost the stories here, since most of this blog's readers are already aware of them, but if you haven't read The Deconstructor's work yet, please do yourself a favor- go here: http://tinyurl.com/lg92mo, scroll to the entry at 6/29/2009, 2:08 PM, and enjoy yourself. Keep reading the subsequent entries, as there are quite a few entries from The Deconstructor. It's truly one of the most focused and lucid analyses of the Max mythos you'll find anywhere, and it draws attention to many of the issues in Tucker's alleged 'writing' that betray his foolishness. Especially illuminating is The Deconstructor's treatment of Tucker's hockey-game story.

In all candor, I'm surprised that Tuck hasn't found some way to indirectly respond, as The Deconstructor has completely pieced him at every turn. Light, I think you should think about offering a writing spot to The Deconstructor on this blog; it would be like trading for Kevin Garnett- we'd be the Big Three of the Tucker-hater movement.

The art of deconstruction is the art of looking past Tucker's bravado, his 'smarter-than-you' attitude, and his 'I've already proven myself; what, didn't you know?' disposition to actually think rationally about what he says and what he does. The Deconstructor's work is an excellent example of this. Another is what I alluded to in my last post, 'A Check Your Ass Can't Cash', in which I considered the disparity between what Tucker says/promises/alludes to, and what actually comes to pass. He has a miserable track record (remember when he said he was going to do a big breakdown of the storyboard, with Frame Forge, etc.? Remember the 'tons of new video, pictures, and interviews' he promised? And he STILL hasn't given the world its promised distribution deal breakdown- what a joke, considering everyone interested sort of knows it anyhow, thanks to this blog and the doucebag-blog), and there seems to be a strange parallel between what Tucker thinks and wants others to think (amazingly revolutionary, everything just keeps on getting better and better) and what actually appears to be transpiring (a pretty standard playout for a low-budget movie with marginal talent, based on a niche property).

The point is that the more one follows this guy, the more one begins to recognize not only the need to look past his smoke-and-mirrors approach to public discourse (a necessary one, given his record of performance), but the ease with which it can be done. That's the art of deconstruction, and Tuckster's like a clean palette for it.

The Deconstructor is the bright new star in the Tucker-Hater universe. Let's raise our glasses to him and hope that he continues to work his magic in our midst, as Tucker's incredibly provocative, heartfelt and meaningful epic art film moves closer to its release.

Vive le doucebag blog! Vive le Fuck Tucker Max blog! Vive Le Deconstructor!

Douchestribution!

http://www.freestylereleasing.com/library.htm#i

Ok, so all of us that yelled "straight to DVD" were wrong, and everyone in the Tucker camp that yelled "2000 screens opening weekend No. 1 in the Box Office" is gona be wrong.

Freestyle Releasing are a small-ish distribution company and Tucker's movie is going to be opening on less that 400 screens its opening weekend. They have no money for promotion, and nobody cares.

It's sad that we have to wait until September 25th to see how badly this fails. I keep losing interest in the Tucker Max saga, because if you're like me you've come to realise that everything that gets written on Rudius and his site is an outright absolute lie. So you have a constant cavalcade of lies that eventually get proven to be what they are, and meanwhile people on the RMMB continue to act like blind sycophants gobbling it up.

Tucker said he would be getting distribution from Fox. He didn't.

Tucker said he would have a $25+ million opening weekend. Look at Freestyle's other movies, can you guess how many of them had that big an opening weekend?

An American Haunting - 5.7 million
The Haunting of Molly Hartley - 5.4 million
The Illusionist - 6.1 million

I didn't go through all of them, those were the only ones I recognised. And according to here there biggest opening weekend is $6 million-ish.

Tucker promises a 35day cross country IHTSBIH movie-premiere-schwag-athon. I think we know anything that requires this level of organisation from Tucker is already, at this early stage, completely fucked.

Tucker said he was offered 8 figures for distribution. He didn't. Nope. Non. No wai. Never happened.


So what else is new in Tucker land?

• Bunny is in rehab. I'd like to think we played a small part in that with our online vitriol. Punch and pie for all.

• Very stupid people are protesting Tucker Max when he goes to colleges. This will just stir up controversy and interest in the movie. The best thing to do is ignore it, or make hater posts on the internet. Rawr.

• Assholes Finish First was released to international literary acclaim. Oh wait.. what? No it wasn't?
• Who could have predicted that? :D

• My video of IHTSBIH being burnt to a delicious cinder crisp? 11,500 views. Trolling Tucker fans has never been so much fun. I can't believe this video has more views than the one of me dressed up like Diana Ross. SO much work went into that costume..

• Some new Tucker hate sites have popped up. Add them to your favourites!
• http://www.fuckermax.blogspot.com/
• http://tuckermaxisadouche.blogspot.com/
• Cockly McBeefwell is back! OR something! Either way, tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com is no longer on the internets and all the stuff was transferred over to this new place. The dream never dies! You can still view all 6000+ comments over here but it seems new comments should be for the new site, lest we split the Tucker haters. Divided we are weak, but united - we are not as weak. Sorta.

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FINALLY, here's a quick guid on how to discredit Tucker should he ever come up in a social situation. If you're like me, you probably want to keep the fact that you run/participate in an anti-Tucker website quiet when doing so. But how to do it without giving away that you know way too much about Tucker?

Step 1: Take a lofty approach over the person who enthusiastically brought up Tucker. "Yeah, his stories are alright - but they're massively embellished. You'd be foolish to believe everything he writes."

Step 2: Use facts and lies to help you. "Isn't Tucker Max like, about 40 years old? And he just goes around to colleges talking about when he used to be in college? Isn't that kind of sad?"

Step 3: Condition people to dislike his movie even before it comes out. "Yeah a movie based on his book or something? I read on IMDB that no-one even wants to distribute it for him - apparently he really is an asshole in real life, the movie is supposed to suck the big one"

Step 4: The outright character destroying lie: "Oh yeah I was at a Borders one time when he was doing a book signing. There was nobody there. I went over to say hi and he told me to fuck off. He has really small hands as well. Nobody likes him. If you like him you're probably a loser."

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3 WEEKS TIL THE FIRST IHTSBIH TRAILER!!
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That's all for now. Until next time, I encourage you all to keep thinking about Tucker. Especially you TATguy!

A check your ass can't cash

I think one of the things that makes those of us in the ‘anti-Tucker’ camp laugh so much is Tucker’s (and by logical extension, his ilk of ill-willed whelks – ha, ha… that was highly lame) utter obliviousness to his own antics.
It’s true; Tucker does make us laugh, but not for the reasons he makes psorry pseudofrats and would-be womanizers laugh. Tucker makes me laugh because he continually promises things he doesn’t deliver on.

All aboard the USS Tucker

I wrote the following post anonymously on the Doucebag blog a while back; It sums up what I’m talking about:

Tuck wrote this today: "So I promised more posts now that editing is over, and what do I do? Not post for like two weeks. Good job Tucker, fucking dick.

Here's the thing: I don't know what to write about because there's nothing to do right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a lot being done, but none of it is being done by me, and nothing really requires my feedback or input."

He wrote these things awhile back: "Lots more pics and videos coming..."

"...That being said, we have a TON of video that we haven't cataloged yet, and Greg is working furiously on that now. So there will be new stuff from the shooting coming...."

"For the next few months, I will probably only post 2-3 times per week. I am going to go back and address a lot of things I missed, answer all the questions from this thread, and clean stuff up like that..."

Those are pull quotes from various blog entries, but the latest one is from October. Hey, doucebag, if you have nothing to do (since you're useless to those people actually WORKING on the movie, and you pushed your book back ANOTHER year), how about getting to all the revolutionary behind-the-scenes stuff you promised four months ago? Or are you too busy not having a girlfriend anymore?

Tucker really believes his own hype, even though all available evidence points to the contrary. He prattles on about how ‘revolutionary’ his movie blog is, even though it’s just a few basic explanations of some of the things that go into getting a movie made – but it’s nothing a guy can’t figure out on his own, or read about on 6,000 other websites, were he so inclined.
But in order to really make a revolutionary, behind-the-scenes type of presentation, he’d need to do more than just post random interviews with Steadicam operators, sandwiched in between fifty-seven posts that are some variation on the theme of how ‘the die has been cast/ it’s all on the table/ our fates have been sealed.’ Maybe he’s planning on heaving a ton of new behind-the-scenes material our way after the movie releases, but how is that revolutionary? That’s done all the time. Meanwhile, readers are left scratching their heads because they don’t know anything more about the WHOLE, COHESIVE, SYSTEMATIC moviemaking process than they did when they started. He simply hasn’t delivered.
Lack of delivery is the only consistent thing about him. Bunny’s book? His second book? A movie by the end of 2008? All these TV shows and book deals he supposedly helmed? Rudius Media is still just a clever name for a bunch of linked websites… if he’d only promised to spin his wheels and be a mediocre has-been novelty act who only encountered a modicum of fame because the ubiquity of the internet was still in its relative infancy, at least we could give him credit for making good on his promises.
All the while, NOBODY buzzes about how revolutionary Tucker’s project is except him. I know, I know: nobody’s going to see it until a few years down the road. Does he really expect anyone to believe that? Does he really believe it himself?
Eh, who knows… maybe he’ll prove us all wrong. All I know is that the economy’s in the tank, everyone’s struggling just to survive, and here’s this guy, acting like what he’s doing is actually important to the world. He really plans to achieve something great. We all know how often what he plans actually comes to pass.

Always open with a joke

Why did Tucker Max cross the road?









I don't know. But Tucker Max is a massive faggot so fuck him.


Mildly interesting post on this blog.. just the usual dismantling of the Tucker Max e-persona.

You can now download IHTSBIH original edition at torrent sites, sadly you will have to pay big bucks for oncoming extended edition - but needless to say the new stories will be 100% awesome and true.

Man, I just love reading the comments on the Youtube video of the book burning:

"congratulations on wasting 15 dollars d bag."

Yeah I'm pretty sure that buying the book itself was a waste of 15 dollars.

"Fucking losers are just sad that you live a boring life. The fact that you did that, video taped it, uploaded it onto youtube shows how sad your life really is."

"...but yo prolly just dont have a sense of humor so you should just shut the fuck up and u really do need to get a life if all do is sit around all day and burn books just because u dont like them"

Yeah. I've got nothing better to do than run down Tucker Max. You can clearly see I'm pouring my life into it. That's why this website is updated thrice daily as me and Barry toil at the printing presses making pamphlets to spread the truth. Please don't forget to subscribe to our RSS and instant text messaging alerts so you can get breaking Tucker Max news as it happens.

"have fun living with yourself knowing that you might be the biggest tool box on youtube. Enjoy the pathetic excuse you have of a life you sad little hypocrite. "

I'm definitely the biggest toolbox on Youtube, but I used to be second to a video of some guy choking out a colleague on the set of a film whilst a small-handed, lispy fuckstick videotaped it. Lucky for me that video got taken down, so now the title is mine!!

Judging from the grammar and idiocy displayed, a lot of Tucker's fans are young teenagers and probably won't be able to get in to see IHTSBIH if it gets R-rated. Kind of makes their relentless fanboy'ing all the more hilarious.

This comment was left on one of my most recent posts, in regards to how many people attend Tucker Max book signings:

Hello, I know this is a bit late, but I noticed you asked questions about his book signing. http://to-be-revised.blogspot.com/2009/01/gg-draft-2.html This is just the rough draft of an account of his book signing in Chicago.I hoped it came off as, for the most part, impartial. I'm kind of a sickeningly positive person though... so if you want just the gist of it. The turn out was huge. I would say it was close to four hundred who came in all, if not more. I'm really not exaggerating. Even after he left some people still came in and that was around 9.45 pm.Hope that helps.

Sadly that link is down at the moment. If the report is true that's a pretty impressive turnout. Tucker Max as a piece of pop culture seems to slowly be coming more into the mainstream.

I was sitting in a bar with a few friends not too long ago, when one guy (a journalism major, really cool guy) turns to me and asks if I've heard of Tucker Max. I tell him I know about him and I've read the book. He tells me about the movie coming soon and about the new book which will be even funnier than the first. I tell him I think a lot of Tucker's stories are bullshit, and he replies so quickly "Yeah! Of course!! They're hugely embellished. He's full of shit"

"Then why do you read them?" I asked.

"Because they're entertaining."

I couldn't help roll my eyes. Even Tucker's fans know his stories are bullshit. But it seems that one small fact isn't stopping him from becoming popular.

Why do I even bother?

The Importance of Being Important

Before I get to my maiden entry on this, the sole surviving 'Tucker-hatred-blog', I think it might be worthwhile to tell everyone a little about myself. That way, I can perhaps quell the persistent notion among Tuckster's 'e-army' that all 'haterz (yo)' are basement-dwelling losers. Also, other 'haterz (wurd)' can take solace in the fact that at least some of us are normal human beings. Skip the following paragraph if you're not interested.

I'm a few years younger than Tucker, but unlike him, I actually served in the armed forces after I graduated from high school. During my time in service (half of which I spent overseas), I was able to build up a nice stash of money, which I turned into more money, thanks to the wise counsel of men much smarter than me. I am now financially independent, and am just finishing grad school. I have a beautiful, loving wife and a son whom I adore. I am knee-deep in several projects that I think are going to be very successful in the next few years. In short, I have a full, fulfilling life. I don't live in my parents' basement, and I don't obsess over all things Tucker. My interest in this ongoing e-saga has less to do with any personal derision for someone I've never met, and more to do with what his popularity and acceptance say about the state of modern society. Hopefully, this concern is what fuels most of the 'haters' (g funk)' dislike for old man Max.

Wildean references aside, I have occasionally wondered what it is about Tuckster that riles me so. True, his insistence on glorifying a shallow, vapid lifestyle (and his encouragement for others to do the same) is offensive and disturbing. What would have made him a social pariah fifty short years ago is what makes him allegedly successful in this, the era where the so-called X-generation has assumed its place as the driving force in the cultural milieu.

However, what makes Tucker unique, even in a generation that glorifies selfishness, excess, and the vandalism of traditional ideals, is his persistent certainty that what he is doing is important. Now, this entry isn't concerned with analysis of why Tuck has such a desperate need to believe that he's important, but it should be fairly obvious to anyone who's followed the silly pseudo-saga of his life and career that he has deep self-image issues, back of his conscious self-awareness. It stands to reason, then, that no matter what he does, he must do it in such a way as to be able to rationalize it as objectively significant in the world.

If we had Tuckmeister here to question (Tucker, you're welcome anytime, but be aware - you're not among friends, brah), the first thing I would ask him to do is explain why, in an objective way, his body of 'work' is possibly important. He would undoubtedly mutter something about how popular response validates his 'art' (of course, all that line of reasoning does is justify things like NKOTB or, Heaven forbid, Creed). When that level of discourse fell apart, he'd retort that he's giving a voice to a heretofore-ignored sector of people (as though nobody ever drank or screwed before this generation); he'd wrap up his apologetic with some tripe about how objective standards of greatness in art are dead anyway, and how if we can't see what makes his writing great, we're naive, or blinded by hatred/fear, or some such garbage.

Looking for the perfect late Kwanzaa gift for that 'lovable narcissist' in your life?

You see, no matter what the objection, Tucker has a ready-made response that, at least in his own mind (and the hollow minds of those who think like him), negates whatever legitimate criticism there is, and re-centers his self-perception on the foundational belief that he is truly important. He thinks money equals importance. He thinks controversy validates his actions. God help him, he even thinks that temporal, unstable measuring standards like book sales and site hits confirm what he thinks he knows about his place in the world.

I don't mean to assert that the things Tucker does - chasing girls, drinking to excess, having lots of wild and zany adventures - are not fun and exciting things. I did those things when I was younger, too, and though I don't chase girls anymore, as my wife would probably feel uncomfortable with such an activity, I still enjoy the occasional bender and the sordid adventures that it entails. It's just that I don't regard those things, or my enthusiasm for reliving them through animated storytelling, as 'great things'. They're kid-things. They're still fun to do, but how sad would it be if those things were the very foundation for my 'life's work?' Would that not make me a truly pitiful human being in the big picture? If my greatest skill was my ability to tell stories of my own debauchery, could I really be satisfied with the expanse of my influence on this world? Yet, for Tucker, those things not only define him, but he believes they validate him as a real and vital contributor to society and art. He really doesn't understand that his 'fans' will someday grow up and move on, and that subsequent generations will regard his 'art' with about the same esteem that I regard my father's drinking-and-screwing tales (which is to say, none).

This is why, for all the discussion and analysis, humorous and serious, that we do, that Gawker does, that the Script Reader does, and that anyone anywhere does, we are powerless to ever get through to him. His self-image is borne of a self-preservation mechanism that had its beginnings long before he was old enough to drink a beer. It is, at this point, automatic for him, and it’s going to take either a catastrophic, monumental event in his life, or his very death, to ever get him to see that his is truly a life wasted.

I apologize for the lack of humor (and the lack of brevity) in this entry. I just figured that it might be worthwhile to throw something thoughtful up here, both to give voice to the serious concerns that cause us to mock Tucker and wish for his downfall, and to add a little substance to this, the only remaining outpost of organized Tucker-hatred still standing on this glorious web of ours.